


Not Alone

by PrincessPorcelain



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Homelessness, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Reid centric, Schizophrenia, Schizophrenic Reid
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-28 08:41:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 31,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14445549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessPorcelain/pseuds/PrincessPorcelain
Summary: On the 1 year anniversary of Reid's disappearance the team decides to go over his case one last time. When Garcia finds a John Doe in a psychiatric hospital will they finally find Reid or has the team lost him forever





	1. Chapter 1

_Spencer sat at his desk at the BAU, deliberately the last one there, even Hotch had gone. He knew it was likely the last time he’d ever be in that room and he felt the need to say goodbye to the room where he’d made so many memories._

_For the last couple of months Spencer Reid’s mental state had been declining. It started off with brain fog and irritability before developing into whispers, then paranoia, then full blown audible and visual hallucinations. He hadn’t been to a doctor but Spencer knew he was developing paranoid schizophrenia; if he was given the diagnosis by a doctor the FBI would be informed._

_He knew what was going to happen; his rapidly worsening mental state would continue to decline until he could no longer do his job, until he was no longer in touch with reality at all. Once that happened the rest of his life would revolve around doctor’s appointments, medications, hospitalisations and different therapies that; if he turned out anything like his mother, would be fruitless. And while he was still functional enough to make decisions Spencer wasn’t going to allow his team; his family, to see him turn into someone they don’t recognise._

_The team had noticed something was going on with Spencer but he was pretty sure they put it down to stress. However in the past few days they began to give him the same looks he’d received when he was using. He knew he had to leave now before they started asking questions._

_Spencer picked up his satchel then laid it back down. He wouldn’t be needing it anymore. He walked over to the elevators and paused as he took a moment to look at the room for the last time. Spencer walked out of the FBI and got on the first bus he saw without checking where it was going. It didn’t matter anymore, all Spencer cared about was getting as far away from Virginia as possible._

The team was sombre as they sat around the round table. Hotch had called a meeting and with the date they could all guess what it was about.

“I know we’re all aware of what day today is. Reid’s officially been missing for a year today. I know today’s going to be a difficult day for all of us and if anyone needs to take today off I understand.” Hotch said solemnly

The room was silent for a while before Morgan spoke “I know we were taken off his case but I don’t want to be working any case other than Reid’s today. If he’s still out there I don’t want him thinking we’ve given up”

Hotch nodded “We’ll look into things today but we do so quietly. We’re not supposed to be working Reid’s case anymore and we could all get in trouble if we’re found out understood?”

The team nodded in response and Hotch began to delegate orders “Ok Garcia check hospital records for any John Doe’s in the last year. Keep it local at first then if you can’t find anything widen the search. JJ try talking to Diana again. Morgan and Prentiss go back to his apartment and Rossi and I will go over the case files here. I can only excuse this for today so we should get a move on.”

Hotch sighed as the room emptied. He knew the chances of finding anything new were slim but he knew his team needed to feel like they were doing something for Reid on the anniversary. He just hoped letting them work the case didn’t make things worse.   

 

_The team came in as usual that morning and started on their paper work. Morgan was surprised when he rushed in five minutes late that he’d arrived before Reid. He’d only arrived before the kid once before and that was when Reid was on drugs._

_Morgan swallowed as the memory hit him. Reid had been acting off for the last couple of weeks and the team had started to suspect maybe he was using again. Morgan was going to confront him about it that very day. He made his way over to Reid’s desk to see if there was any clue where he could be and Morgan’s stomach dropped as he realised Reid’s satchel was hanging over his chair. Morgan immediately grabbed it and raced up to Hotch’s office._

_He banged on Hotch’s door and didn’t wait for a response until bursting in holding up the bag. “Hotch we’ve got a problem”_

Hotch didn’t hear from the rest of the team until lunchtime. He assumed they’d all hit dead ends and had allowed them to do what they needed to get through the day. He was about to take a lunch break when Garcia burst in.

“Sir I think I might’ve found something” She gasped, slightly out of breath, looking nervous but hopeful. “There’s a John Doe in a hospital in Georgia who matches Reid’s description. I rang the hospital and his doctor confirmed that his patient sounds like Reid but can’t give us much over the phone due to patient confidentiality. He’d invited us down to formally ID him”

Hotch frowned; it sounded like a long shot but this was the only lead they’d had for months. It was barely an hour and a half flight to Georgia and with the jet they’d be able to get there that day. For once Hotch decided to follow his heart and take a chance; if it actually was Reid then no measures were too far. “Gather up the team” He finally decided. “Tell anyone who wants to go that we’re taking off in 30 minutes”

Garcia nodded before looking down nervously “Hotch there’s something else you should know”

Hotch raised his eyebrows “What”

“The hospital… it’s a psychiatric hospital a-and… and the patient’s been there for six months”

 

_Reid travelled for days until he’d used up half the money he’d brought. He was vaguely aware that he was somewhere in Georgia; as long as he kept off the grid that should be far out enough to hide from the BAU. He was glad he’d left when he did as the hallucinations had been getting worse over the past few days and he was pretty sure he wouldn’t have been able to hide it from his team for much longer._

_As he got off the bus he realised that he hadn’t really thought the next part of the plan through; he’d been fixated on getting away from the BAU before they could realise what was going on but hadn’t really thought about what would happen after._

_Spencer wandered the streets until he found a park. He sat on a bench and watched as people jogged past, walked their dogs and played with their kids. He wasn’t sure who was real and who wasn’t, he was pretty sure the man sitting next to him whispering wasn’t but it didn’t really matter anymore. He wouldn’t be able to hurt his team here and that’s all he cared about._

The whole team had come on the jet to Georgia despite Hotch mentioning he doubted they’d all be allowed to see John Doe. He couldn’t call the patient Reid yet; not until he was sure. Despite this they all came along, anxiously waiting for the jet to land. Hotch just hoped they didn’t all have their hopes crushed; if it wasn’t Reid it could destroy them. But if it was Reid… well that was equally as terrifying.

 

_Hotch was glaring harshly at Straus who’d called him to her office. “With all due respect Ma’am you can’t take us off this case. Reid is one of our own”_

_“It’s been two months Hotchner and there are no leads. I appreciate that this is hard for you all but I need your heads on other cases. I’m handing Dr Reid’s disappearance over to missing persons; there’s no more you and your team can do. If I find you working his case again I’ll have to take disciplinary action” Unit Chief Straus ordered_

_Hotch left his superiors office deflated, dreading telling the team._

By 3pm the BAU arrived at Atlanta psychiatric hospital. Hotch went straight over to the reception “Hi, we’re the Behaviour Analysis Unit with the FBI; Dr Moore is expecting us”

The receptionist nodded and called the psychiatrist. Within a couple of minutes he arrived. After introductions the doctor buzzed them through. “Only two of you can come through, the rest of you will have to wait here. My patient is very unstable and if he is your agent I don’t want him getting overwhelmed”

Hotch nodded and considered his options. Reid was closest to Morgan, Garcia and JJ. Garcia would get too emotional and he couldn’t guarantee that Morgan wouldn’t get angry or frustrated. “Myself and JJ will come” Hotch decided

Morgan looked disappointed but no one questioned Hotch’s decision as he and JJ followed the Dr into the building.

 

_Spencer had been on the streets for five months but the majority of the time he was too psychotic to care. The hallucinations and delusions had become consuming and no passersby would ever guess that the emaciated, ranting and raving homeless man had only five months ago been an FBI agent._

_It had been a particularly bad day; Spencer’s arms were covered in self inflicted scratches and he’d pulled a clump of hair out while trying to quiet the noise. Even worse he’d recently been hallucinating Tobias Hankel; the man who’d kidnapped and tortured Spencer for three days._

_Tobias had chased Spencer from out of the park where he usually slept and he’d run into the road where he was immediately hit by a car. He was transported by ambulance and once he was physically cleared he was admitted to the psych ward as a risk to himself and others. When the psych ward failed to stabilise him within a month he was transferred to Atlanta psychiatric hospital for longer term treatment._

_During psychotic episodes Spencer was barely coherent and when he was lucid he refused to give any personal information to the doctors so they were never able to ID him until six months later when they received a call from Penelope Garcia._


	2. Chapter 2

 Dr Moore led Hotch and JJ through a series of corridors and locked doors until they reached the ward John Doe was on.

“We’re put him in an observation room with one was glass so you can ID him before going face to face. I don’t want my patient being put through unnecessary stress if he’s not your guy” The doctor explained

Hotch nodded “That’s fair enough”

“He’s just through here. We only really use these rooms if a patient has been violent and needs constant supervision but the risk is too high to have a staff member with the patient, so he may seem a bit anxious” Dr Moore opened a door to a small viewing area with a full view of the adjoined room. It had a single bed; a desk and a couple of chairs and a toilet and sink. Huddled up in a corner, with his knees to his chest, sat a man rocking. He was dressed in a white t shirt, grey sweatpants and brown slippers. The man was impossibly skinny, had dark rings around his eyes and his hair was cut short but it was undeniably Spencer Reid.

JJ gasped and Hotch paled “That’s him”

Dr Moore smiled “Spencer Reid. Huh, he’s been here for six months and I didn’t think we’d ever find out who he really was”

“Did you cut his hair?” JJ asked

The doctor nodded “When he arrived his hair was long but he kept pulling out clumps during episodes. We decided it’d be best to cut it short to prevent him harming himself in that way”

“How did he end up here?” Hotch asked

“He’d been on the streets for a while, I don’t know how long but he was pretty emaciated when I first met him. He ran into the road and was hit by a car, while he was being treated at the hospital they realised he was psychotic and admitted him to the psych ward. He was there for a month but showed no signs of improvement so they transferred him here. We diagnosed him with paranoid schizophrenia” Dr Moore explained

Hotch sighed ruefully “He was acting off a few weeks before he disappeared but we never expected this. Reid’s mom is schizophrenic and he was always scared that he’d end up like her.”

“Can we see him?” JJ asked

The doctor nodded “Sure just be prepared. Spencer’s very unwell, I’m sure he’s going to seem a lot different to you than when he was part of your team”

“We understand” Said Hotch and Dr Moore smiled reassuringly before opening the door and stepping towards Spencer.

“Hey John” She said gently “Some friends of yours have come to see you; they told me your name’s Spencer”

Spencer’s eyes flickered upwards and focused briefly on JJ and Hotch before settling back down on the ground. JJ walked over and slowly crouched down beside him. “Hey Spence, its JJ”

 Spencer looked at JJ with a pained look in his eyes before looking at Hotch and then finally at the doctor again “Dr Moore are they real?” He asked nervously

The doctor smiled at him “Yes, they’ve been looking for you for a long time Spencer”

Spencer shook his head and looked back at the ground “You weren’t meant to find me” He whispered “I didn’t want you to see me like this”

All the pieces suddenly added up to Hotch “You started getting symptoms a few weeks before you disappeared. Then you left before we could realise what was going on”

Spencer nodded sheepishly “I’m sorry”

“Spence you could’ve come to us” JJ said with tears in her eyes “We would’ve helped you”

Spencer shook his head “You couldn’t have. I’m crazy; I’m just like my mom”

“You’re not crazy Reid, you’re just unwell. No one would’ve judged you for that” Hotch said gently but Spencer seemed to not hear him, his eyes darting over to the bed, whatever he was seeing preoccupying him.

“Spencer stay with us” Dr Moore said carefully noticing the signs “There’s no one over there, look at me ok. It’s just me, you, Agent Hotchner and Agent Jareau”

Spencer looked over to the doctor his eyes wide with fear.

“Spence” JJ said worriedly and put her hand gently on his arm. The physical contact seemed to set something off within Spencer and he panicked.

“No!” He yelled, pushing himself further into the corner and started punching his head with his hands

“Dammit” Dr Moore muttered and pressed an alert button before rushing over. JJ backed away and stood back with Hotch to let the doctor have the space to help Spencer.

The doctor pulled Spencer’s hands from his head and he cringed and struggled against her hold before throwing his head back and hitting it repeatedly against the wall.

“Spencer I need you to calm down” Dr Moore said but Spencer just fought against her harder

“Make them stop, please make them stop” He begged as three nurses rushed in.

Dr Moore was handed a cup containing a pill and one with water “Spencer you need to take this medicine ok. It’ll make you feel better”

Spencer showed no signs of even hearing the doctor and didn’t seem to realise the nurses had come in. He was hitting his head harder and harder to the point where JJ was wincing for him.

“Ok we’re going to need to sedate him” The doctor said quietly and the nurses sprung into action. They carefully lowered Spencer’s body to the ground so he was lying on his side and tried to hold him still as he thrashed against them. He panicked further as he saw Dr Moore pull out a needle “No please, I don’t want it, I don’t want it please” Spencer cried. Hotch glanced at JJ who was visibly shaking.

 Dr Moore ignored Spencer’s pleas and quickly injected his upper thigh. “It’s ok Spencer, it’s all going to be alright” She said soothingly

After a few minutes Spencer’s cries turned into quiet whimpers and his body finally relaxed. Satisfied the nurses let him go and Dr Moore motioned for the agents to follow him out. By this point JJ was quietly crying and Hotch felt sick.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve warned you that he doesn’t react well to touch when he’s struggling” Dr Moore said tiredly “I’m sorry you had to see that, it can’t be easy to see your former colleague that way”

JJ wiped the tears away from her face and looked over at Hotch “It was like with Tobias” She said sadly

Hotch nodded and sighed before looking at the doctor who was looking confused “Does he always react to sedatives like that?”

Dr Moore nodded “Yes, why?”

“When he was in the BAU Reid was kidnapped and tortured for three days by a man named Tobias Hankel who had DID. He was injected against his will with Dilaudid and a video was streamed to the rest of the team as he was tortured and drugged. He said those exact words when Hankel drugged him” Hotch explained

“That makes sense” Dr Moore sighed “We only use sedatives when absolutely necessary but we don’t always have much choice, especially when the patient’s harming themselves or others. Spencer’s only ever been violent towards himself but we have a duty to keep him safe”

“How often does he get like that?” JJ asked concernedly

“It depends; he has good days and bad days but the bad ones are still more regular than we’d like”

“I’m guessing you’d advise against discharge?” Hotch asked

“Definitely; he’s a danger to himself. He’s currently a ward of the state but now we’ve got an ID we can find who’s got power of attorney over him” Dr Moore explained

“I do” Hotch replied “I’m his medical contact and have power of attorney in the instance where he’d deemed unfit to make decisions for himself. If he has to be kept hospitalised I’d like to move him closer to home if possible”

“That should be fine; once you find somewhere I’ll approve the transfer”

“Can we see him again before we leave?” JJ asked “We’ll have to fly back to Virginia this evening”

Dr Moore thought for a moment before nodding “He’ll be out of it for a couple of hours but if you come back at around five I’ll extend his visiting hours until seven. Spencer hasn’t had a single visitor since he’s been here and I think your support will help him. The rest of your team can see him as well; we’ll just have to try to make sure he doesn’t get overwhelmed”

“Thank you doctor” Hotch shook her hand as she guided them back to the reception “We’ll be back this evening”

Hotch and JJ walked back into the reception to see the rest of the team waiting anxiously. “It’s him” Hotch said quietly “We’ve found Reid”

 

The team gathered round a table at a coffee shop down the road from the hospital, waiting for Hotch and JJ to give them more information on Reid. They explain the back story; how he’d been homeless, how he’d ended up in the psych ward and how he’d been transferred to the hospital before dropping the bombshell.

“Reid’s been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia” Hotch said solemnly

Garcia gasped, Prentiss put her head in her hands, Rossi looked speechless and Derek looked devastated.

“He left when he started getting symptoms” JJ explained “He realised what was happening and didn’t want us to see him like that”

Morgan shook his head “The day he disappeared I was going to confront him. I knew something was up, hell we all knew it. If I had checked up on him a day earlier he might have never got into this state. Why didn’t he just talk to us?!”

“We can’t blame ourselves and we can’t blame him. All we can do is be there for him now. I spoke to Reid’s doctor and we’re going to transfer him to a hospital closer to home so we can support him and help him when he gets out” Hotch told the group “We’ve all got permission to see him tonight before we head back to Quantico but none of you have to come if you feel uncomfortable with it. If you do want to see him I want to warn you that Reid’s pretty sick”

“How bad is it?” Garcia asked nervously

Hotch sighed “It’s pretty bad, he’s very unstable. During JJ and I’s visit he started hallucinating and had a meltdown. They had to sedate him”

Tears filled Garcia’s eyes and the others looked horrified. “No one needs to feel guilty if they don’t want to see him. It was hard to see Reid like that” Hotch admitted

“I’m coming” Morgan said decisively

“Yeah me too” Prentiss replied

“I’ll come too” Rossi added

All eyes turned to Garcia who gulped nervously. “Penelope, there’s no shame if you don’t feel like you can come” JJ said gently

Garcia shook her head “No I need to come. I need to see him. Reid needs us and I’m sure as hell not going to leave him now”

Hotch smiled at Garcia’s outburst “Looks like we’re all going then”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to those of you who commented and added kudos on the last chapter it means a lot! I'm aware that this isn't the best written story and that some parts may seem a bit OOC but I hope you stick with it! I hope you enjoy this chapter and I'll try and update again ASAP


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

Just before 5pm the team made their way back to the hospital. Dr Moore made her way down to meet them and showed them to Spencer’s room. “He’s still a bit drowsy from earlier but I’m sure he’ll be pleased to see you all, just try and keep everything calm; I don’t want him feeling too overwhelmed or stressed out” Dr Moore said

“He’s still on observations from what happened earlier so he has a nurse with him at all times but she’ll only intervene if he starts to get agitated.” She stopped outside the door of one of the bedrooms “He’s in there”

Hotch thanked the doctor and led the team in. The room was pretty bare but had a few more objects than the observation room. There was a single bed, a desk and chair with a few books on top, a wardrobe and some extra chairs that had obviously been left out for the BAU. Spencer was sitting on the bed reading and there was a nurse sitting in the corner writing notes on a clipboard.

JJ and Hotch entered first, the others following nervously behind. The nurse looked up and smiled at them before looking back down at her clipboard but Spencer didn’t look up though he physically stiffened. Hotch glanced back at the others who were all obviously trying to hide the mixed emotions they were feeling, other than Garcia whose eyes had already filled with tears.

“Hey Spence” JJ said gently

Spencer looked up from his book and scanned the faces of his old team before muttering “Hi”. He immediately glanced over at the nurse to see if she reacted but as she hadn’t he seemed fairly confident that they were really there and gave his friends a small smile.

JJ patted the bed beside Spencer “Can I sit?” She asked and Spencer nodded in response and put his book to the side. As JJ sat next to Spencer on the bed the rest of the team seated themselves on the chairs.

“Long time no see pretty boy” Morgan broke the silence

Reid looked down and fiddled with the bottom on his t shirt anxiously “I’m sorry for disappearing on you all. I know you guys were probably worried” He said, his voice small

“No one’s mad at you Reid” Prentiss said gently “I just don’t get why you left. Surely you knew that we’d all be there for you, no matter what?”

Reid sighed “I grew up with a schizophrenic mother; I know how ugly it can be. My mom would go from being loving, funny and intelligent to someone I didn’t recognise. I started getting symptoms about a month before I left; my thoughts were jumbled, I couldn’t concentrate and it wasn’t long before I was hallucinating and paranoid. I knew I wouldn’t be able to work for the FBI anymore and I didn’t want any of you to see me how I saw my mom when she was bad.

When my minds clear and I can think logically I know you guys could’ve helped me. I know I could’ve got treatment before if got really bad and I could’ve potentially avoided a full blown psychotic break but my mind was too jumbled to think like that. I just needed to get away before I made you all hate me. I never intended to live on the streets for five months, I never intended for any of this to happen but my mind was too messy to make a proper plan and think properly. The only reason I can think clearly now is because of the sedative still in my system. It slows me down but it clears things in my mind up. They haven’t found a daily med that can do that yet” Reid explained

JJ looked at him sadly “I’m so sorry this all happened to you Spence”

Spencer looked down and started scratching at his arm a little “It’s ok. I always kind of expected it to happen”

“I’ve spoken to your doctor Reid and she’s agreed to approve a transfer closer to home. We’re going to go back to Quantico tonight and I’ll find a hospital nearby.” Hotch said

 Reid half smiled at his former boss, though it didn’t reach his eyes “Thanks Hotch. Thanks all of you, for finding me and not giving up. I’m sorry for everything I put you through”

“It’s not your fault” Garcia said gently, speaking for the first time “You weren’t well. But we’re going to get you better and get you home ok”

Reid nodded, his smile becoming a little more genuine before suddenly fading “Do I even have a home to go to?”

“I’ve been paying for your apartment” Rossi replied “I knew we’d bring you home one day kid, and when we did you’d need somewhere to live”

“You didn’t have to do that” Reid said, looking a little embarrassed

 Rossi smiled “Yeah I did kid. It’s good to have you back”

 

The team stayed with Reid until they were made to leave at seven. Reid seemed to be doing better than when Hotch and JJ had seen him though he was withdrawn and when he did speak it was at a much slower pace than how he used to speak and he kept getting his words jumbled. A few times his eyes trailed off into a corner as if he could see something there that the others couldn’t and he zoned out a few times. The others didn’t show any upset they were feeling and talked to Reid about everything that happened while he was away.

At seven a nurse came in to escort them out while bringing Reid a late dinner, dinner was usually served at six but he’d missed it to stay with his old team. Garcia’s eyes filled with tears at the thought of leaving him in that place so Reid allowed her to hug him. The next thing he knew JJ, Prentiss and Morgan were hugging him as well before leaving, promising him they’d get him home soon.

As they left the hospital Morgan pulled Hotch aside.  “Can I take some personal time Hotch?”

Hotch frowned “What for?”

“I don’t want to leave the kid here alone. I was thinking I’d stay in a hotel until you arrange the transfer; it’ll only take a few days. We’ve just found him; I don’t want him to be alone again” Morgan explained

“If it’s possible I’d like to stay too sir” Garcia said obviously eavesdropping on their conversation.

Hotch thought for a second then nodded “Alright, I’d feel more comfortable leaving him if you two were here for him anyway. I’ll let you know as soon as I’ve found somewhere”

“Thanks Hotch” Morgan replied “Ok baby girl, we’d better get our go bags from the jet and find ourselves a hotel”

 

As the fog from the sedation had cleared the following day, Spencer had to face what had happened. There would be no more John Doe, no more pretending to be anyone else but himself. In his head Spencer had tried to keep Dr Spencer Reid the genius and respected FBI agent separate from John Doe the homeless schizophrenic but now the team had found him the worlds had collided.

Word had travelled fast in the hospital and all the doctors and other patients were now calling him Spencer which felt strangely uncomfortable. He finally had to accept that Spencer Reid was no longer an FBI agent of one of the most elite teams in the bureau but a mental patient with schizophrenia. The thought was like a punch to the stomach, he’d always been terrified of becoming this way and here he was, living out his worst fear.

The voices he’d been hearing all day telling him he was worthless, useless and a burden didn’t help his self esteem so by the time visiting hours arrived Spencer was in a pretty bad mood. He was sitting in the day room, trying to ignore the voices enough to actually read a book when one of the nurses approached him.

“You’ve got visitors Spencer” She said warmly

Spencer looked up confused, he thought the team were going back to Quantico but standing beside him were Morgan and Garcia.

“Hey baby boy” Garcia said kindly as herself and Morgan sat down beside Spencer.

“I thought you were going back to Virginia?” Spencer frowned

“The others went back but it didn’t feel right leaving you here on your own so Garcia and I decided to stay until you’re transferred” Morgan explained

Reid nodded “Thanks” He said unconvincingly

Morgan and Garcia both noticed an edge behind his words but decided to leave it, he was probably just having a rough day.

“Hotch is waiting to hear back from a couple of places but he thinks he’ll be able to find somewhere closer to home for you soon”

 _“God you’re such a burden_ ” One of the voices whispered

“Why, so you can all watch me rot in a place like this for the rest of my life” Spencer snapped

The pair of agents looked shocked at his outburst “Reid, we won’t let you rot in institutions, they just need to find some medication that stabilises you enough that you can function alone” Morgan replied

 _“He’s lying. They’ll leave you like everyone else does”_ Another one growled

“It’s already been seven months Morgan; I’m likely treatment resistant like my mother. Even if they do find something it won’t eradicate the symptoms completely. I won’t ever be able to work for the FBI again and my life will revolve around doctor’s appointments. That’s why I left; I couldn’t bear for you to see me like this. I should’ve just killed myself when I had the chance”

_“Too right you should’ve; you’re pathetic”_

“Don’t you ever say that” Morgan said firmly “You can and you will get better and we’ll be with you every step of the way no matter how hard you try to push us away because we can’t lose you kid. We nearly did once and we’ve all had a hole in our lives for the last year. I’m not going to let that hole become permanent.”

“We love you Spencer, we’re not going to leave you behind” Garcia said softly

_“They’re lying they don’t care. Who could care about a stupid, useless schizo like you”_

Reid rested his head in his hands “Please just leave me alone” He whispered

_“We’ll never leave you. Never!”_

“We’re not going to leave you Reid”

Morgan frowned as Reid cradled his head “I don’t think he’s talking to us Penelope”

_“You’re pathetic… ugly… worthless. They don’t care about you, no one does”_

“Please stop” Reid whimpered

“Reid man, look at me, focus on me ok” Morgan said calmly, trying to get Reid out of his head. Garcia got up to alert a nurse that Reid was struggling.

_“Don’t listen to him, listen to me. He can’t help you no one can”_

“Shut up” Reid whispered squeezing his eyes shut tightly

“Reid?”

_“You’re a snivelling, pathetic, freak. They can all see that now and they’ll leave you to rot”_

“Shut up!” Reid said a little louder

“Come on pretty boy, listen to me ok”

“Spencer everything’s ok” A nurse said as she arrived with Garcia “I’ve got some medicine you can take if you want, it’ll make you feel better”

_“Don’t take it! They’re trying to poison you!”_

“Shut up!” Spencer yelled and started pounding fists against his head “Shut up, shut up, shut up!”

Derek knew the others had said Spencer had issues with touch but he knew if Reid didn’t calm down soon he’d end up being forcibly sedated again. He gently took Spencer’s hands and pulled them away from his head. Spencer struggled against him and continued yelling.

“Reid I need you to look at me ok”

Spencer stopped shouting and slowly looked at Morgan as sobs shook through his body.

“That’s it kid, it’s ok” Morgan said soothingly

_“It’s not ok, he’s a liar”_

Spencer shook his head and whimpered.

“I know you feel bad right now, I want you to take this medicine, it’ll make you feel better ok?”

_“Don’t take it Spencer!”_

“Ok” Spencer whispered and swallowed the pill the nurse handed him

“I’ll take you to your room Spencer, you should get some rest” The nurse said kindly

Spencer nodded and the nurse led him away from Morgan and Garcia. Once he was out of their sights the agents made their way towards the exit.

“You handled that well” Garcia said softly

“Thanks, I hope it didn’t upset you too much baby girl” Morgan replied

“It’s hard seeing him like that but he needs us to be there for him. He looked terrified; I can’t imagine how awful it must be for him”

“You’re right, I’m glad I was able to calm him down enough to take his emergency meds, hopefully he’ll feel a bit better once that kicks in. I just hate that he’s had to go through a year of this alone” Morgan admitted

“Me too, but he’s not alone now and we’ll make sure he’ll never have to deal with this alone again”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah sorry it's been a while since the last update! Tbh I was really sure of this chapter for some reason and am not totally confident with this story in general so although this has been written for a few days I kept putting off posting it to proof read multiple times. I'm really not very confident in my writing but your writing doesn't improve if you don't try so I guess that's what I'm doing! Hopefully the next chapter will be up sooner! Thanks for reading, please let me know what you think!


	4. Chapter 4

Morgan and Garcia both enjoyed a rare lie in the following morning. Visiting hours at the hospital weren’t until 3 so they had plenty of time to kill. Morgan awoke at 10am and Garcia woke shortly after. Once they were washed and dressed they went for a brunch in the IHOP next to the hotel.

“Of all the places the kid could’ve gone I’m surprised he ended up in Georgia” Morgan stated while tucking into his pancakes

Garcia shrugged “He said he just got on a few buses and hoped for the best. Reid probably didn’t even realise where he was. It’s a bordering state to Virginia and surely his logical mind wouldn’t have let what happened with Tobias put him off the state all together”

“His mind’s not really logical right now though is it” Morgan sighed “The poor kid, I can’t imagine what it must be like growing up with a schizophrenic parent only to later recognise the early signs in yourself.”

“He’s spent the last 7 months in places that he’s always been terrified of ending up in. I know he didn’t make it easy for us but I wish we could’ve found him sooner” Garcia said sadly

“I know how you feel baby girl, if I’d only decided to confront him a day earlier then things could’ve ended up different but we can’t dwell on the past. We’ve got him back now and we won’t let him face this alone anymore”

“You’re right” Garcia agreed. Their conversation was interrupted by Derek’s phone ringing. He glanced at the caller ID and answered immediately

“Morgan speaking”

“Hey Morgan, it’s Hotch. We’ve got a bed organised for Reid, we’re sending the jet to pick you three up tomorrow. I’ve spoken to his doctor and we’re all set” Hotch explained

“Wow, you organised that fast”

“Rossi decided to pay for somewhere private, he said if Reid has to be in hospital then he wants to make it as comfortable as possible for him. Don’t tell him though I don’t want him to feel embarrassed”

“That’s good of Rossi! Don’t worry I won’t tell the kid, has JJ spoken to his mom yet?” Morgan asked

“Yeah, she wants to come and see him once he’s settled in Virginia. Her doctor said she’s stable at the moment and doesn’t see any reason why she shouldn’t come so I guess it’s up to Reid”

“I don’t know how he’ll feel about seeing her honestly, he got upset at Garcia and I yesterday when we came to see him and they’re both pretty unpredictable” Morgan frowned

“Diana’s doctor wouldn’t let her come if he thinks it’ll cause problems but it’s Spencer’s choice. I’ve got to go but I’ll speak to you soon”

“Alright thanks Hotch” Morgan hung up and turned to Garcia “Tomorrow we’re bringing him home”

 

Spencer had seemed in a better mood when they’d gone to visit him that afternoon. He was still far from the Reid they knew; he had trouble getting his words out at times, his emotions seemed flat as if he was numb to any feelings and he struggled to concentrate but he didn’t get agitated or upset and that was good enough for his friends. He even managed a smile when they told him they were transferring him to a hospital in Virginia the following day.

At 10am the following day Morgan and Garcia took a cab to pick Reid up and take him to the airport. A nurse took the pair to Spencer’s room where he was waiting anxiously.

“You ready to go kid?” Morgan asked. Reid nodded and made his way over to them before Garcia interrupted him.

“Don’t you have any stuff?”

Reid shook his head “I left Virginia with nothing but the clothes on my back. I obtained a few clothes from charity shops while I was on the streets but I’m pretty sure they were all thrown away when I got her; they stunk and were all tatty. They gave me clean clothes to wear every day here as I don’t have any of my own and all the books and stuff in here was borrowed from the nurses”

Garcia looked horrified “The first thing we’re doing once you’re settled in is going to your apartment and getting your stuff!”

Reid smiled “Thanks Garcia”

As Spencer and Penelope were talking the nurse pulled Morgan aside and gave him a small ziplock bag “He’s had his meds already today and his information has been passed on with the transfer so they should be fine to continue his meds tomorrow but here’s his oral PRN and an intramuscular sedative just in case. The sedative should only be used in an emergency but if he starts struggling on the journey the PRN should calm him. I’ve been informed that you have training on how to administer an intramuscular injection as part of your first aid training with the FBI which is why I’m allowed to give you this but if you don’t use it you’ll need to give it in at his new hospital.

You won’t need anything else; all his records have been sent over. If you have any concerns on the journey you can contact Dr Moore.”

“Thank you” Morgan replied quickly stuffing the bag in his suitcase not wanting Spencer to see the sedative and praying that he wouldn’t have to use it.

 

Morgan watched as Reid gazed out of the window on the way to the airport. He realised that the kid probably hadn’t left the hospital grounds for the past 6 months so it was unsurprising that Reid seemed so interested in their surroundings. However Morgan noticed Reid kept fiddling with his hands, a sign of anxiety, and realised it’d probably be quite stressful going from being in a controlled environment for several months to be suddenly placed in a busy and noisy place in a situation that most people found stressful anyway. For the rest of the journey he kept a close eye on Reid for any signs that his anxiety was increasing.

They made it to the airport and checked in without any issues. There weren’t any private airstrips in the area so they were at a small public airport which had permission for the jet to land there. Unfortunately for Spencer, the airport was noisy, had bright lights and people were rushing around everywhere. After being in the hospital for so long it was quickly becoming overwhelming.

Spencer managed to hold it together until they got to security, despite the voices in his head only adding to the chaos around him. Morgan noticed the kid was becoming overwhelmed and was showing signs of the beginning of a sensory overload; he was squinting and every time there was a loud noise or someone got too close he flinched. Morgan considered offering Reid his medication but security was the last part they had to do before they got to the jet and he didn’t want to cause a scene so he decided to leave it.

They put their bags into the scanner and Garcia walked through the metal detector first. She got through without any problems and moved down to the bag collection. Reid went through next and to everyone’s dismay the alarm went off. He jumped at the noise and tried to get away from it only to have a security guard stop him.

“Sir I need to pat you down” He said

Spencer shook his head rapidly “I can’t… you can’t… please… please don’t” he stammered

 “Damn it” Morgan muttered to himself and quickly stepped through the metal detector, trying to get to Reid before the guard touched him but he was too late. The guard just frowned at Spencer before starting to pat him down.

“No!” Spencer yelled and immediately jumped away and rushed backwards frantically before hitting his back against the wall and sliding down it, curling up with his hands over his ears and his knees against his chest.

Morgan quickly rummaged around in his bag until he found what needed then turned back to Spencer to see 4 security guards rushing towards him, one holding handcuffs.

“Whoa what are you doing?!” Morgan yelled running towards them. He grabbed his badge and raised it so they could see “I’m FBI, he’s with me. Please back away, he’s schizophrenic and probably terrified right now”

The guards backed off, watching closely as Morgan and Garcia approached Reid who was now sobbing and rocking.

“Spencer it’s me, Morgan” Derek said in a calm voice, a contrast to the angry tone he’d taken with the guards “I need you to come back to me ok, just focus on my voice”

Reid showed no signs of hearing his friend, instead curling his hands into fists and pounding them against his head. Morgan sighed and knew what he had to do. He took the needle out of his pocket and slipped the cap off.

“Morgan what’re you doing” Garcia gasped

“The nurse gave it to me in case of an emergency. There’s no way we’re getting him on the jet in this state” Morgan explained

“Surely there’s another way” Garcia replied looking upset

“Not unless we drag him kicking and screaming onto the jet. We can’t even get him out of here without escalating the situation and he can’t calm down with all this noise and all these people around him. It’s the kindest way”

Garcia looked at the distressed man, still hitting his head and nodded ruefully. Morgan gently but quickly injected the needle into Spencer’s thigh.

“No” Spencer screamed and tried to fight off Morgan. Morgan help Reid against him as he thrashed around in his arms until after a few minutes his screams turned to sobs and then to whimpers.

“Alright kid, it’s alright” Morgan said softly as Reid settled before turning back to the guards. “Can we get a wheelchair to take him to the jet, he’s conscious but he’s going to be pretty out of it for a while”

One of the security guards rushed off and quickly returned with a wheelchair. “Sir we still need to pat him down”

Morgan rolled his eyes “Alright but make it quick” He turned to Reid “Pretty boy we’re going to stand up now ok. One of these guards is going to check that you don’t have anything you shouldn’t have and then we’re going to go to the jet and set off, does that sound ok?”

Reid dozily nodded in response and Morgan hoisted himself and Reid up off the ground, taking most of Reid’s weight. The guard stepped forward and quickly patted Reid down before nodding in acceptance. Morgan guided Reid into the wheelchair and took them to the jet, Garcia trailing along behind them.

Getting Spencer up the stairs onto the jet was a challenge for Morgan as the kid could barely stand unsupported but somehow they managed and were quickly taking off. Once the jet was in the air Garcia got Reid settled on the couch to sleep the drugs off. To hers and Morgan’s relief Spencer was asleep within minutes.

“Are you alright Baby Girl?” Morgan asked

Garcia nodded “It was just hard to see him so distressed. It’s so unfair that this happened to him; surely he’s been through enough”

“I know” Morgan sighed “I wish there was something I could do to take it away but there isn’t. We’ve just got to look after him when something like this happens and try to not let it upset us too badly”

“I hope moving him closer to home helps him get better, I can’t imagine how awful all of this must be for him”

“Me too, we’ve just got to be there for him the best we can and hope that it gets better”

 

After an hour Spencer woke up. He groggily turned to his side to see Morgan and Garcia chatting at the table beside him. They looked over as they heard the movement.

“Hey kid, how’re you feeling?” Morgan asked gently

“Tired” Spencer muttered, rubbing his hands over his eyes and slowly sitting up.

“Yeah I bet” Morgan replied “I’m sorry I had to sedate you man, I thought it was the best thing to do”

“It’s ok” Reid replied, his speech slightly slurred “I’m sorry I lost it, I didn’t mean to. I tried so hard to keep it together but it was just so loud. I’m sorry if I scared you”

Garcia smiled at him sadly “It wasn’t your fault sweetie; we know you couldn’t help it”

Reid nodded and looked down embarrassed. He hated his team members seeing him like this.  Morgan noticed Reid’s discomfort and changed the subject “We’ll be landing in about 15 minutes, you can sleep more in the SUV if you want”

“Ok” Reid replied. Soon after the seatbelt sign flashed on and Reid took the seat beside Morgan as they prepared for landing. A SUV was waiting beside the airstrip with Hotch and Rossi inside. As the trio exited the plane the older agents stepped out to greet them.

“Hey Reid, how are you doing?” Hotch asked

“I’m fine” Reid mumbled in response, still looking tired

Hotch exchanged a questioning look with Morgan before continuing “Ok, the plan is Rossi and I are going to take you to get settled in at the hospital. I’m your power of attorney and Rossi knows a doctor there so we thought we’d be the best choice.  Morgan and Garcia are going to head to your apartment and get you some clothes and books and stuff.”

Reid nodded and hugged Garcia and Morgan goodbye before following Rossi into the car. Hotch waited until the pair were in the SUV before turning to Morgan.

“What happened?”

“He lost it at the airport and had a complete breakdown. I was given an intramuscular sedative for emergencies before we left his old hospital and I didn’t have any choice but to sedate him. The effects are still wearing off” Morgan explained

Hotch sighed “Alright, you did the right thing Morgan. We’re going to set off now but if you head back to the BAU once you’ve picked some stuff out for Reid and pick up JJ and Prentiss we can all visit him this evening”

“Sounds good, I’ll make sure to pick up lots of things to make him feel at home” Garcia replied

Hotch smiled at her “Thanks Garcia, I’ll see you both later” He headed back to the SUV and strapped in. “You ready to go Reid?” He asked, turning his head when he didn’t get a response to see Spencer already asleep in the backseat. Hotch sighed and started the car.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aware Morgan sedating Reid isn't realistic, I don't think it's actually even legal but I'm English so I have no clue about the laws in the US. I wrote the scene and debated deleting it completely or adding a nurse to the journey but I thought adding a nurse in would be awkward and I quite liked the scene and thought it'd fit that Reid would have a breakdown in the airport so I decided to keep it. I hope it doesn't offend anyone and I'm adding this note because I don't want to misinform anyone.
> 
> Also, as I am English, there may be some differences in how the mental health systems work in each country so bear that in mind if anything seems a bit off to you. Thank you so much for everyone who's been reading and commenting, I hope you enjoy this chapter!


	5. Chapter 5

It took about half an hour to get from the airstrip to the hospital and Spencer was still asleep by the time they got there. Hotch gently shook him awake and the trio made their way into the building. Hotch and Reid were both surprised when they walked in, the reception looked more like an expensive hotel’s lobby than a reception for a mental hospital. It was light and spacious, had a few leather couches beside coffee tables with stacks of magazines and there was a chandelier hanging from the ceiling.

Spencer frowned “This isn’t a state run facility”

“No, it’s a private facility” Rossi replied

“I don’t have the money for a place like this!” Reid exclaimed

“I’m paying for you Reid” Explained Rossi

Spencer looked shocked “No way, I can’t let you do that! I could be here for months Rossi, even years! What if I end up like my mom and can never live independently again?”

“You won’t because you’ll have the best team of doctors available who will find you the right medication and we’ll get you back home in no time” Rossi said kindly “I know you’re going to protest further so before you can let me tell you that I’m not taking no for an answer, I want to do this for you kid”

“You’ve already done so much, all of you have”

“You’re like a son to me Reid and I want to make sure you get the best care possible ok? Let’s get you checked in”

Reid was too tired to fight and so just nodded in response and followed the others to the reception desk.

“Hi, we’re here to check in Spencer Reid. Dr Smith should be expecting us” Rossi said

The girl at the reception smiled warmly “Yes we’ve been expecting you. I’ll call him down, please have a seat on the couches. Can I get you anything while you wait, any coffee or teas?”

“No thanks, we’ll be fine” Rossi replied and the three went to sit down on the couches. Despite still feeling pretty sedated Reid’s anxiety was building. He hadn’t exactly gone into the last hospital voluntarily and once he was there he was stuck. But, even though the logical side of his brain was telling him that he needed to be here, another part of him was screaming at him to run while he could, that if he didn’t leave now he’d be stuck there forever.

His thoughts were interrupted by a man walking over to them. “Dave it’s good to see you again” The doctor smiled at his old friend and looked over at the other two men. One was looking smart and put together in a suit and the other looked slightly sedated and was wearing sweatpants and a white t shirt. It wasn’t hard to guess which one was the patient “You must be Spencer Reid, it’s good to meet you. I’m Dr Smith and I’ll be the doctor in charge of your care while you’re here” He held out his hand but Spencer just waved awkwardly.

“He’s not the biggest fan of physical contact” Rossi explained to the doctor “This is Aaron Hotchner, Spencer’s power of attorney”

“Nice to meet you Mr Hotchner” Dr Smith said and shook his hand “If you follow me I’ll show you around”

The men followed Dr Smith into a corridor on the left of the reception that was only accessible with a key card. Once the door closed behind them they were locked in.

“On the right of the reception we have our outpatient services where you’ll continue your therapy once you’re released” The doctor explained “You’ll be in our main adult ward for now. Mealtimes are at 7.30, 12.30 and 5.30. Visiting times are between 6pm to 8pm and lights out is at 11. You’ll have various therapies and activities throughout the day” He said as he showed them around.

The facility was as nice as the reception made out. There was a light and well furnished day room with access to the gardens outside and a games room with pool tables, an assortment of board games, a games console and TV, a computer and a piano. Through another corridor there was a spacious dining area, an art room with various materials, a gymnasium and different warm and inviting therapy rooms.

Eventually they reached the bedrooms and Dr Smith showed them to what would be Spencer’s. It was a medium sized room with a small double bed, a desk and chair, a wardrobe and an en-suite bathroom. The walls were a light blue colour matching the bed sheets and there was a portrait of a beach above the bed. There was a window looking out onto the grounds with blinds to cover it at night.

“I’ll leave you to get settled in” Dr Smith said “Dave, you and Agent Hotchner can stay until dinner time in half an hour. As it’s the late afternoon most of the psychologists have left so we’ll have to wait until tomorrow for you to meet your treatment team Spencer.  I’m leaving in a minute too but we’ll meet tomorrow. I hope you have a comfortable first night and if you need anything please ask any of the nurses; they’ll be happy to help. It was good to see you again Dave and nice to meet you Agent”

The trio said goodbye to the doctor and settled themselves in to the room. Spencer and Hotch sat on the bed and Rossi sat on the chair. They sat in silence for a few minutes before any of them spoke.

“It seems like a nice place” Hotch stated

Rossi nodded in agreement “It’s one of the best facilities in the country. What do you think kid?”

“It’s nice” Reid answered quietly, not meeting either of the other men’s eyes.

Rossi and Hotch exchanged glances “What’s wrong Reid?” Hotch asked in a rare gentle voice

Reid sighed “I’m sorry, I don’t want to seem ungrateful. It is a nice place; I don’t even want to think about how much it costs a night, it’s just hard. I just want to go home and I know I can’t, it was bearable in Georgia because I could forget who I was, I didn’t have to be Spencer Reid, but seeing all you guys and coming back to Virginia just reminds me of everything I’ve lost. I don’t want to be here and I don’t want to be like this, I don’t understand why this had to happen to me. I’m so embarrassed and angry and… sad” By the time he was done speaking tears were starting to drip down his face though he quickly swiped them away.

“It’s ok Reid. I know this isn’t fair and I know how hard this must be for you but it’s not forever. We will get you better and get you home and get your life back.” Rossi said softly

Spencer seemed unconvinced but nodded anyway. There was another pause as Reid tried to push back his emotions before Hotch spoke again. “Reid, JJ’s been in contact with your mom. She knows where you are and she knows what happened. She wants to see you in a couple of days if that’s ok with you. Her doctors say she’s doing well at the moment and are happy for her to make the trip”

Reid glanced down nervously. It was hard enough having his team members come and see him institutionalised but seeing his mom was even scarier. It was usually him visiting her at her sanitarium not the other way around. But he also knew how worried she must’ve been when he was missing and how she wouldn’t stop worrying until she saw him and he knew it was unfair to deny her the right to see her son.

“I’ll see her” He said quietly

“Alright, I’ll get JJ to organise things with her doctor”

“Thank you” Reid responded

Rossi and Hotch kept Reid company until a nurse came to the room to inform them that it was time for dinner. The older agents left and Reid followed the nurse to the dining hall where he picked out his food and sat down at one of the quieter tables. He knew he’d be forced to socialise eventually but for the time being he just wanted a bit of quiet.

 

After dinner Reid went back to his room and sat staring out of the window until a knock at the door caused him to turn and see JJ and Prentiss standing in the doorway with a suitcase.

“Hey Spence, Morgan and Garcia went to your apartment and packed you up some stuff but we were the only people who hadn’t seen you today and we were feeling left out so we volunteered to bring it over to you” JJ smiled “It’s already been searched through so we can start unpacking if you want?”

Spencer gave them a meek smile that didn’t reach his eyes “Thanks”

Prentiss arranged the various books, puzzle books and a chess board onto the desk while JJ stuck pictures of the team, Henry and Spencer with his mom on the walls. Reid put away the clothes that’d been packed, finding plenty of cardigans and sweaters, comfy t shirts, sweatpants and jeans that he’d wear on days off work and pyjama bottoms. Not forgetting several pairs of mismatched socks.

When they were done the room looked far less bare and the personal items added to the homely feel the hospital obviously tried to create.

“That’s much better” JJ said warmly

Reid smiled genuinely this time “Yeah it is”

Prentiss and JJ were both relieved to see the moment of happiness on Spencer’s face. They knew he was unhappy and embarrassed to be there but he was starting to seem depressed. They all hoped that having his possessions back would get Reid feeling more like himself.

All too soon visiting hours were finishing and the girls had to leave. Reid showered and changed into his own clothes then spent the remainder of the evening reading before he settled down to sleep.

 

The next morning Reid was woken at 8am by a nurse. He forced himself out of bed and changed into a pair of comfy jeans, a t shirt and a baggy cardigan. At half 8 he nervously made his way through the hallways to the dining hall. He got himself a couple of slices of toast and a Styrofoam cup of coffee and sat at one of the tables.

Within 10 minutes the dining hall filled up with other patients and two females and a male made their way over and sat down at his table. A blonde, petite female sat beside him, a brunette, tall and lean female sat opposite him and a stocky, dark skinned male sat beside her. The male looked like he was in his mid 30s; the brunette appeared to be in her late 20s and the blonde looked to be in her early 20s if not younger.

“Hey I’m Cassie; this is Izzy and Daniel. You’re new right?” The brunette introduced the trio

Spencer nodded shyly “I’m Spencer and yeah, I got here yesterday afternoon”

“Are you settling in ok? I know it can scary when you first get here” Cassie asked

“I guess so. I was transferred from another hospital so it’s not as scary as it could be but I guess I’m still a bit anxious” He admitted

“Where were you transferred from?” Daniel asked

”Georgia” Spencer replied “It’s a long story” He added seeing their confused faces.

“Fair enough. Well either way the first few days can be pretty tough but it’s alright here. The staff are amazing and the other patients are all lovely” Cassie said reassuringly

“Thanks” Spencer responded with a half hearted smile and he nibbled at his toast as the other three conversed. After breakfast medication was given out and then the patients, nurses and a couple of psychologists all met in a large room for what they called morning meeting. They all sat and talked about how they were feeling that morning and about any problems they were having. As it was Spencer’s first full day everyone introduced themselves and Daniel offered to be his mentor for if he needed to talk about anything.

The meeting lasted for about half an hour and then the day’s various therapies and activities started. First was a baking class but Spencer was pulled out to have the meeting with his team. Dr Smith was his psychiatrist and he met his psychologist Nina, his occupational therapist Erica and his key nurses Alice and James. They explained he’d see Nina twice a week, Dr Smith and Erica once a week and would have group therapy twice a week after lunch.

After he’d met his team Spencer joined the rest of the patients for art therapy and then they went for lunch. Spencer sat with Daniel, Cassie and Izzy again but struggled to keep up with the conversation as the noise in his head started getting louder.

Straight after lunch Spencer had his first session with Nina. By this point two parts of his brain were battling; the part that was trying to keep him grounded in reality against the psychosis that was demanding his attention. Nina could see immediately that he was struggling; Spencer was trying to listen to her and answer her questions but he kept getting distracted and his words were jumbled.

Despite trying to keep the session low key, only asking him simple questions about him, his friends and family, his job and a couple about his childhood Nina could see that Spencer was getting frustrated and decided to finish early.

“I’m sorry” Spencer said quietly when she told him that they’d finish there

“It’s ok, I know you were trying” Nina replied kindly “Do you want me to ask a nurse for your PRN?”

Spencer shook his head “No thanks, it’s not that bad it’s just hard to concentrate”

“Ok” Nina said, respecting his decision “But if it gets worse I want you to promise me that you’ll go to the nurses’ station and let them help you”

Spencer agreed and Nina dismissed him, telling him to get some rest. He made his way to the day room and sat staring at the TV but not really watching it until it was time for dinner. He didn’t have the energy to try and do anything else.

After dinner Daniel persuaded Spencer to join him in a game of chess. Normally Spencer would’ve been relieved to have a game to take his mind off of things but the voices were far too demanding and Spencer could barely concentrate. He made it through half the game through instinct alone, barely planning his moves so it was no surprise when Daniel announced “check mate”.

Accepting his first defeat in years Spencer decided to retire to his room and got straight into his pyjamas without showering, despite the fact that it was only 7pm. He curled up on his bed, trying to get some rest that’d hopefully provide some relief from the hallucinations giving him hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long again, I found this chapter really hard to write for some reason, it also ended up a bit sadder than I intended poor Reid! Thanks for all the comments etc it means a lot!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for self injurious behaviours and a brief mention of suicide

The following day went pretty similarly. Reid got up, got dressed and picked at his breakfast. He took his meds, went to relaxation therapy and the creative writing group that were scheduled in for that morning and sat with Daniel, Cassie and Izzy at lunch. He’d started to get to know some of the other patients as well but he seemed to be part of their group now.

After lunch was group therapy; something that Reid had always hated. The patients were split into smaller groups of six and Reid ended up with Izzy and four other patients he didn’t know too well; Peter, Simone, Eric and Amy. It was run by a pair of psychologists that Reid hadn’t met before; Richard and Samantha.

In the other hospital group therapy would either go one of two ways; either everyone would deflect the questions the therapists would ask and end up not taking it seriously or people would open up and everyone would leave upset. Whether it was the same or not at the current hospital, Reid wasn’t sure but no one ended up taking the session seriously and Reid walked out with Izzy fairly relieved.

“Is group therapy always that jokey?” Reid asked

“Either that or incredibly dramatic” Izzy replied confirming Reid’s theory “But usually people try to avoid opening up in there; it can be weird telling all your darkest secrets to a room full of people you barely know”

“Yeah it was the same in the last place I was in”

Izzy nodded “I think it’s like that everywhere; I was in a few adolescent wards before I came here and it was the same in them as well”

Spencer paused for a moment “If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you?”

“I’m 19 but I’ve been in and out of hospitals since I was 12”

Spencer was shocked, it was hard enough being hospitalised as an adult but he couldn’t imagine how terrifying it must be for a 12 year old. “Oh wow, I’m sorry” He said eventually not knowing the best way to respond.

“It’s alright; it sucked for sure but every teenager has their own challenges and some of my best friends were made in psych wards so it’s not all bad I guess” Izzy said

“Yeah I guess so; I spent my adolescent years caring for my schizophrenic mother before institutionalising her when I was 18 so I guess we both had our teenage lives surrounded my mental illness.” Spencer admitted

“I’m sorry about your mom” Izzy replied “Mental illness sucks”

“I can’t argue with that” Spencer smiled as they made their way back to the others. The four sat in the day room watching a stupidly unrealistic crime show that Spencer tried his best not to scoff at every 5 seconds. However as the show was reaching its conclusion and a confession was beaten out of the suspect Reid couldn’t bite his tongue any longer.

“I know he was the unsub and everything; the show writers made that pretty obvious in the first 5 minutes of the show, but no matter what awful things he’s done you can’t beat a confession out of someone. Even a state appointed lawyer will make sure it’d be inadmissible in court and considering the lack of solid evidence other than the confession he’d more than likely walk.

This show is so obviously unrealistic and the writing is lazy, trying to rush wrapping things up in the last 5 minutes so they can spend most of the screen time on the relationship between the two lead detectives”

Cassie, Daniel and Izzy all looked at Spencer in shock. “I think that’s the most you’ve spoken since you’ve got here” Daniel joked “Are you like a lawyer or something”

Spencer looked down in embarrassment from his outburst “I’m a FBI agent. Or at least I was; I assume the bureau won’t keep an agent with a mental illness”

“Wow man, I’d never have guessed that you were a fed”

Reid smirked “Yeah I get that a lot”

“Aren’t you a little young to be in the FBI? What are you like 20?” Cassie asked

“I’m 26 now but I joined when I was 21. Usually you’re not allowed to become an agent until you’re 23 but they made an exception for me”

Reid noticed Cassie and Daniel exchange confused glances and realised that he might seem delusional to them; after all the FBI was usually pretty tight on regulations and they were in a mental hospital. Izzy seemed to believe him though “Wasn’t it scary though, putting your life at risk and having to deal with dangerous criminals?”

“It definitely could be scary but I guess I just got used to it” Reid replied “What about you guys, what do you do job wise?”

“I’m a teaching assistant for elementary school students” Cassie answered

“I’m a mechanic” Daniel said

“I’m still trying to finish high school” Izzy sighed “I should’ve already graduated but I got a couple of years behind. I want to someday become a psychologist though”

“I can help you with any school work if you want?” Spencer offered “I did pretty well at school so I’d be happy to help you out”

“Yeah, you must’ve graduated early to get a degree and get into the FBI by 21?” Cassie frowned

Spencer blushed “I graduated when I was 12 and by the time I was 21 I had three PHD’s and two BA’s”

The three others looked at him in surprise “You must be some sort of genius” Daniel remarked

“I have an IQ of 187, can read 20,000 words a minute and have an eidetic memory so I guess you could say that”

“No wonder they let you into the FBI early!” Izzy said

Cassie still looked unconvinced but Daniel smiled in response “You’re just full of surprises kid”

 

A few hours later Morgan, JJ and Garcia pulled into the parking lot at the hospital. They sat there in silence for a couple of minutes before Garcia spoke “Do you think he’ll be upset that no one came yesterday?”

“Nah, he’ll understand, we had a case.” Morgan replied confidently

“Someone should’ve called” Garcia sighed

No one spoke but they all knew why no one had called. “It could’ve been him” JJ whispered

“No way, there’s not a violent bone in Reid’s body!” Morgan exclaimed

“He’s hurt himself in meltdowns though. Not badly but still, it could’ve gone the other way. No one thought our unsub was a violent person either until his brain turned against him”

The SUV was silent again for a few minutes, each of the team getting lost in their thoughts. Eventually Garcia broke the silence once more “Visiting hours are about to start, we should go in”

Morgan and JJ nodded and the three exited the car. “I think it goes without saying that we don’t tell the kid about this case. We tell him we couldn’t come yesterday because we had a case but there’s no need to divulge details; we’ll only upset him”

JJ and Garcia agreed and they made their way into the building. Morgan and Garcia looked around the reception in surprise, it being their first time there. “Rossi really splashed out didn’t he” Morgan muttered with his eyebrows raised.

JJ shrugged “He wanted Spence to be as comfortable as possible”

“I think that’s a bit of an understatement” Garcia said with her eyes wide “It’s even nicer than Rossi’s mansion!”

JJ smiled at their reactions “Come on, let’s go see Spence”

 

After he’d had dinner Spencer sat in a comfy single chair in the day room reading. He was glad to have a selection of his books back, despite having read and therefore memorised most of them already. Something about having a book in his hands made him feel normal; made him forget about where he was and what he was dealing with for a little while. Unfortunately when he was struggling he was unable to concentrate on the books, but on better days he was more than happy to get lost in a book.

He hadn’t been reading for long before his name was called, causing him to look up. Morgan, JJ and Garcia made their way over and he stood up to greet them, allowing them all to hug him.

“How’re you doing kid?” Morgan asked as they all sat down

“I’m doing alright thanks, how are you guys?”

“We’re fine” JJ replied “I’m sorry no one came yesterday, we had a case”

“It’s alright, I hadn’t really even thought to expect visitors, after all I didn’t have any in Georgia” Reid shrugged

“Well now you’re home you’ll have plenty of visitor’s baby boy. We said we’d be there for you and part of that is coming to see you” Garcia smiled

“Thanks Garcia” Reid smiled “Thank you all of you, I know I wanted to do this alone but having your support means a lot to me”

“Always Spence” JJ said kindly

“So how was the case?” Reid asked

The agents exchanged nervous glances, not knowing how to give Reid a satisfying answer but still keep him from being upset. “It was fine” Morgan said finally “It was pretty straightforward; we got the call a few hours after JJ and Prentiss had gone home from visiting you two days ago and we wrapped it up this afternoon. It was local so we didn’t have to travel.”

“What was it about?”

Again glances were exchanged “Our unsub was killing seemingly random people in public areas at night. He’d stab them through the heart with a wooden stake” JJ said carefully “We were struggling to find anything until a press conference brought forward a past victim who’d managed to escape from someone who was planning on doing the same to her. We released a sketch and we got lucky that he was spotted.”

Reid frowned, seeing their discomfort and tense body language. He’d of put it down to being a hard case but the way they kept anxiously glancing at him told him otherwise. “What’s wrong? What’re you hiding?”

The question only made the agents look even guiltier and it suddenly came together in Reid’s head. Seemingly random victims, the method of killing and the teams’ sudden discomfort around him all added up to one thing. “The unsub was in the midst of a psychotic episode. He was schizophrenic wasn’t he?”

Morgan looked at him sadly “Yeah kid, he was. He thought he was hunting and killing supernatural creatures.”

“And you think that could’ve been me” Reid stated bluntly

“No way, never!” Garcia replied immediately

“Then why were you so nervous about telling me?”

“We just didn’t want to upset you” JJ said gently

“A person with schizophrenia is only 4.3 times more likely to commit a violent crime and is actually 14 times more likely to be a victim of a violent crime as opposed to being the perpetrator of one. People with schizophrenia alone are less at risk of violent behaviour than those with depression, bipolar disorder, personality disorders or substance abuse problems. It’s far more common for a schizophrenic to be violent towards themselves than towards others; with 10% of schizophrenic patients committing suicide within 10 years after their initial psychotic break.” Reid rambled

“We know that most people with mental illnesses aren’t violent Reid and we know you’re not. The only reason that we didn’t want to tell you is because we know it’s a sensitive subject and, like JJ said, we didn’t want to upset you” Morgan replied gently

Reid just nodded and looked down in response. Feeling the tension within the group JJ decided to change the subject “You’re mom’s flying in tomorrow Spence, are you excited to see her?”

“She is?” Spencer asked nervously

“Yeah, she’s only staying for one night but she’s looking forward to seeing you” JJ smiled

“Is she mad at me? You know, for disappearing?”

“No Spence, she understands that you were pretty unwell. She was relieved to find out that you were safe but she was never mad”

Reid slowly nodded “That’s good”

The group continued talking until visiting hours were over and Morgan dropped JJ and Garcia home. JJ had arranged for Diana to stay at hers so she prepared the guest room and picked her up from the airport the following day, once she’d finished work. They dropped Diana’s stuff off at JJ’s house before making their way to the hospital.

As they were driving Diana looked at JJ “I can’t thank you enough for this Jennifer” She said softly “When you told me Spencer was missing I was terrified. I knew he was still out there; I’d feel it if he wasn’t, but I knew he wouldn’t leave and cut us all of unless someone had taken him or felt like he couldn’t contact us”

“Of course, I know how much you mean to Spencer and how much he means to you. He needs you right now and I want to help him in any way I can” JJ replied

“He’s lucky to have all of you supporting him. After his dad left I only had him to look after me and he was only a child. It wasn’t fair on him at all but he was never angry at me or resented me. I let him down when he was a child but I won’t let him down now” Diana said sadly “How’s he doing?”

“He’s embarrassed” JJ admitted “He didn’t want any of us to see him like this and I know that it’s hard for him. His mental state varies day to day but he was having a good day yesterday so hopefully he’s doing well today as well”

As JJ finished speaking they pulled up at the hospital. JJ put the car into park and looked over at Diana who was looking at the building anxiously.

“Are you ready?” JJ asked gently. Diana nodded in response and they made their way into the building. They signed in and made their way to the ward where Reid was staying. A nurse was waiting at the door of the ward and let them in.

“Mrs Reid and Miss Jareau right?” She asked

“That’s us” JJ replied

“Spencer’s been having a difficult time today. He’s refused to leave his room all day and has been clearly struggling. You can still see him but if he gets upset you might have to leave early” The nurse explained

JJ internally sighed; she had hoped Spencer would’ve been having a good day. As much as Diana and Spencer needed to see each other she thought it’d be better for them both if Spencer was lucid.

They made their way to Spencer’s room and the nurse knocked on the door before entering. Spencer was pacing the room muttering and didn’t look up as they came in. “Spencer, you have visitors.” She said gently before turning back to the women “I’ll be right outside if you need anything.”

JJ thanked the nurse as she left and then looked back at Spencer who still hadn’t acknowledged their presence. “Hey Spence” She said, her and Diana still hovering in the doorway. Spencer still didn’t seem to notice they were there until Diana stepped forward.

“Hi Spencer” She said softly

Spencer finally stopped pacing and looked over to Diana and JJ. “M-mom? Are you really there?”

“Yes baby, I’m here”

“Can you tell the people yelling to please be quiet? It’s so loud I can’t think” Spencer said quietly

“There’s no one yelling Spence” JJ said worriedly

“No there is, there is! It’s so loud and I can’t think and they just won’t be quiet!” Spencer continued, getting more and more agitated.

“Spencer, it’s ok” Diana said softly “It’s just me, you and Jennifer here ok. I know you’re scared but everything is alright”

Spencer shook his head “No mom; they want to hurt me, it’s not safe! We need to get out of here; we need to get away from them! Why can’t they just leave me alone?” He started grabbing and pulling at his short hair and JJ quickly ducked out to alert the nurse. Within seconds she stepped back in with the nurse.

“Spencer I need you to try and calm down. You’re safe, no one’s going to hurt you” The nurse said calmly

Spencer shook his head vigorously before he started pounding his fists against his head hard “Please just make them stop. Please I can’t take it anymore” He cried

The nurse quickly called for help on her walkie talkie before stepping towards Spencer again “Spencer please stop hitting, you’re going to hurt yourself”

“Shut up! Please just shut up, shut up!” He yelled as a few other nurses entered the room. Diana and JJ stood back so Spencer didn’t feel crowded but he didn’t seem to notice the nurses enter the room. As he was yelling he stepped backwards so his back was against the wall and started throwing his head back hard against it. The nurses sprung into action and grabbed hold of him and gently lowered him to the floor. Once he was suitably restrained one of the nurses brought out a sedative and quickly administered it before Spencer could even realise what was happening.

After a couple of minutes passed Spencer stopped yelling and struggling so the nurses let him go and backed away, still keeping a close watch until the sedative took its full effect. Spencer backed himself against the wall again, this time in a seated position, and brought his knees to his chest as he cried.

Being unable to stay by and watch any longer Diana approached her son and sat down beside him, holding his curled up form against her. At first he tensed but, as he realised it was his mom and that he was safe, he relaxed and nuzzled into her embrace. She stroked his hair and talked to him soothingly until he started to calm down.

Eventually she managed to convince him to get up and get into bed as the sedative started to take hold. All of the nurses except one left and Diana and JJ sat at Reid’s bedside, Diana stroking his hair and JJ rubbing circles into his hand and talking calmly to him until he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Appologies once again for the delay, I had a bit of writers block for this chapter. Honestly I don't really like this chapter, I don't think it flows that well but I've spent too long obsessing over it as it is so I just decided to post it and move on. And sorry about all the sadness, this chapter was actually supposed to be a bit lighter but I didn't do a very good job at that haha, but please keep on reading, things won't be bad forever! Thank you so much for all of your reviews, follows, etc!


	7. Chapter 7

Spencer was woken by one of the nurses the next morning. Despite sleeping without interruption since after he’d been sedated he still felt tired from the drug’s effects. As he realised this the memories of the previous evening hit him. Things in his mind were pretty fuzzy, whether it was from the medication or his illness he wasn’t sure, but he knew he’d had some sort of episode while his mom was there. That was the last thing he wanted, he really hadn’t wanted her to see him like that.

“How are you feeling this morning Spencer?” The nurse asked kindly as he sat up

“Tired” Spencer mumbled in response

The nurse nodded sympathetically “That’s going to take a few more hours to wear off I’m afraid. Do you remember what happened last night?”

“It’s a bit fuzzy but I guess I’m guessing I had some sort of episode” Spencer admitted “I remember that people were yelling and it was all too loud and I got upset. And then I was on the ground… and then my mom was stroking my hair… it’s all a bit confusing”

“The doctors think you were hallucinating which caused you to get agitated and overwhelmed. You started harming yourself so the nurses had to restrain you and administer a sedative. Do you understand why that had to happen?”

Spencer nodded and looked away embarrassed. He hadn’t even been there a week and he’d already caused a scene. Not that he could help it, he just felt guilty, the team wanted to get him better but after what had happened last night he knew the doctors wouldn’t let him leave for a while.

“To make sure that you’re safe you’ve been put onto 1 to 1 observations for a while” The nurse continued “I’m Lauren and I’ll be with you this morning until the shift change. Do you want to get dressed so we can go and get some breakfast?”

Spencer sighed, he hated being watched all the time but he knew it was for his safety. “Alright” He agreed and got ready with the nurse watching him before heading to the dining hall. When he’d first ended up hospitalised Reid had found being on 1 to 1 observations horrible. He’d always been a private man but any sense of privacy was lost on 1 to 1. The nurses would have to watch him do everything; get dressed, shower, use the bathroom. Of course there were times where he’d been too psychotic to care but generally it was quite an unpleasant experience.

But, although it was still humiliating, Reid had become so used to it that he was able to get on with his normal routines with the nurse watching. And of course if helped when the nurse was friendly. Lauren made conversation but was respectful of when he didn’t want to talk and gave him as much dignity as possible. After breakfast she took him to get his meds and then to morning meeting where Reid didn’t contribute. A combination of tiredness and embarrassment led to him not wanting to participate. Luckily no one pushed him.

As the other patients made their way to the various group activities one of Spencer’s key nurses Alice pulled Spencer and Lauren aside.

“You’ve been excused from morning therapies Spencer” Alice explained “Your mom has to head back to Vegas this afternoon so we’ve decided she can visit you this morning instead if that’s alright with you?”

Spencer nodded and Alice led Spencer and Lauren to the day room where Diana was waiting.

“Hey mom” He said quietly as Diana looked up

“Spencer” She smiled as she got up and made her was towards them “How are you feeling this morning?”

“A little tired but better than yesterday” Spencer admitted “I’m sorry you had to see me like that”

“Oh baby don’t be sorry, it wasn’t your fault” Diana said gently “You had to see me in a similar state far too many times, I know it’s not something you can control”

Spencer sighed “I know I just… I wish that things were different”

“Me too Spencer, me too”

 

Diana and Spencer spent the morning wandering around the gardens with Lauren trailing behind, trying to give the mother and son some privacy whilst still doing her job. Although Spencer seemed a lot better than the previous day Diana could still see the differences in him. His emotions seemed flatter and his speech alternated between slow and extremely fast, to the point where she could barely keep up with him. Plus he was obviously still hallucinating; Diana knew the signs all too well. He’d pause mid-sentence as if he’d been interrupted, he was constantly glancing around him and his eyes would often focus on nothing.

Seeing her son hurting and not being able to help him was bad enough but it broke her heart that she couldn’t be there to care for him like a mother should. Diana’s doctor had only given her two days leave because, despite being relatively stable currently, she was affected badly by stressful situations and her schizophrenia liked to come back and hit her when she least expected it. She’d give anything to be well and to be able to look after Spencer herself but unfortunately she knew that was never going to happen.

Diana was thankful that Spencer’s team had stuck by him and were providing him with the support system that she couldn’t. There may not be hope for her getting better but there was still hope for Spencer and she clung onto that with all her heart.

 

Far too soon it was time for Diana to leave. JJ came to take her to the airport, quickly hugging Spencer before the mother and son said their goodbyes. It seemed strange to Spencer to see his mother leaving him at the hospital, it was usually the other way around. He’d expected to feel sad seeing her go but as he turned and followed Lauren to lunch he just felt numb.

Spencer only picked at his food as the voices in his head were becoming harder to ignore. Lauren seemed to notice and offered his PRN but he just shook his head, not feeling like talking.

After lunch was a shift change so Lauren was replaced with a nurse called Ryan. He escorted Spencer to group therapy, which he really didn’t feel like going to but couldn’t find the energy to fight it. Spencer just sat in the circle of chairs silently, barely following the conversation due to the distracting noise in his head. Izzy shot worried glances in his direction but he didn’t notice.

He managed to hold it together until two of the patients in the group got into a disagreement and started yelling at each other. The shouting, plus the psychologists trying to calm them and the voices in his head constantly chatting became too much for him to handle as he brought his knees up against his chest and clasped his hands tightly over his ears, rocking slightly.

The psychologists; Richard and Samantha, noticed Spencer struggling as they managed to deescalate the situation between the other patients and shared a look, both deciding at the same time to separate the group. Richard took the other five patients out and into another room to prevent Spencer from getting any worse, while Samantha and Ryan stayed with him.

“It’s alright Spencer; it’s just you, me and Ryan here now” Samantha said quietly guessing that the loud noise was part of the reason why Spencer had become distressed “Do you think you could look at me?”

Still keeping his hands clasped firmly over his ears Spencer looked up slightly, so that his eyes were slightly above his knees.

“That’s it” The psychologist continued soothingly “Do you think it’d help if you took your PRN?”

Spencer nodded very slightly, if Samantha hadn’t been watching him so closely she wouldn’t have seen it. She looked over at Ryan who nodded in response and left the room to go and get the medication.

“Ryan’s gone to get you it alright? Do you think you’d be able to take your hands away from your ears now?” Samantha asked patiently

Spencer gave his head a small shake “’S loud” He whispered

“All the noise from in here has gone now. Is it loud in your head?”

Spencer nodded again and Samantha continued “Alright well the medication should help with that but keeping your hands over your ears won’t I’m afraid and I’ll need you to take them down so you can take your PRN when Ryan gets back”

Spencer considered her words for a moment before drawing his hands away and wrapping his arms tightly around his knees instead.

“That’s it, well done” Samantha said encouragingly, making sure to keep her voice quiet to prevent any further distress. After a few moments Ryan came back in with a paper cup with a pill in and one with some water. He approached slowly and handed them to Spencer who paused for a moment before taking them and swallowing the pill.

“Do you want to go back to your room Spencer or do you want to stay here for a little bit longer” Ryan asked, adopting the same soft tone that Samantha used

“I’ll go” Spencer whispered and slowly stood up before Ryan escorted him back to his room. Once they were in his room Spencer got straight onto his bed, curled up in the foetal position and clasped his hands over his ears again waiting for the medication to take effect.

 

Prentiss and Hotch visited that evening to find Reid stabilised but quiet and withdrawn. They were upset to find out that Spencer had struggled again and Hotch was anxiously awaiting the upcoming Monday when Spencer were due to have a meeting with his treatment team to discuss how to improve things after his initial week of assessment. As Hotch was Reid’s medical contact and the hospital had decided that Spencer wasn’t always capable of making his own medical decisions Hotch was allowed to attend.

Over the weekend the patients who were well enough were allowed to spend some time away from the hospital and as there were no groups there were no visiting restrictions. It was obvious that Reid wouldn’t be allowed off the grounds of the hospital any time soon and as there was no case the whole team piled in to see him over the weekend.

On Saturday Spencer was having a pretty good day, seeming almost like his old self but on Sunday he was having another bad day and the team had left upset after seeing Reid have another meltdown.

Hotch travelled to the hospital alone on Monday morning, praying that he wouldn’t get called back to the BAU for an urgent case. He signed in and followed a nurse to a meeting room where Spencer was already sitting with his psychologist, psychiatrist, occupational therapist and key nurses. Hotch greeted Spencer and introduced himself to all of the professionals as he took his seat next to Reid.

“Thank you for coming Agent Hotchner” Dr Smith smiled “We’ve been glad to see what a strong support system Spencer has with his team”

“Of course, Spencer is family to us, we want to do everything we can to help him get better” Hotch replied looking briefly over at Reid who smiled awkwardly back

“We’re pleased to hear that” Dr Smith continued “How have you been settling in Spencer?”

“Um alright I guess” Spencer replied, feeling uncomfortable that he was the cause of the meeting “The routine’s pretty similar to the place in Georgia although the facilities are a lot nicer here. The staff and patients have all been very kind and welcoming”

“I’m glad” Dr Smith said “Have you had any worries or problems you’d like to address?”

Spencer shook his head and the psychiatrist continued “Alright then let’s talk about your treatment. I’ll start with medication since it doesn’t seem to be as effective as we’d like. Since you’ve been here Spencer we’ve noticed you’ve struggled quite a bit; you’ve already had to been sedated a couple of times and have spent a fair bit of time here on 1 to 1. We definitely think we can improve that so we’re going to wean you off of Seroquel and try Olanzapine.

You’ve already been on Risperdal and Abilify so if Olanzapine doesn’t work for you we might want to try some first generation antipsychotics. However they can cause more severe neuromuscular side effects than second generation antipsychotics, hence why we’ll try Olanzapine first.”

Hotch was a bit confused about all of the medical terms but Spencer seemed to understand what the doctor was saying so he decided he’d just ask later.

“We’re going to spend the next few days weaning you off of Seroquel and then you’ll have to go 48 hours without either medications to get it properly out of your system. Obviously we haven’t seen you without medication but you’re likely to have a rough few days while during the adjustment period. Do you have any questions so far?”

“No, I understand” Spencer said quietly

“Alright, we’re also going to start you on a low dose antidepressant and see if that helps with your mood at all and then we’ll adjust things as we go” Dr Smith stated “Does that sound alright?”

Spencer was slightly upset to hear he’d have to be on another medication but he knew his low mood was becoming a problem so he reluctantly agreed.

His psychologist Nina was next to speak “I know we’ve had difficulty in our sessions so far but hopefully as your symptoms improve we can work on your past traumas and I’ve noticed that your self esteem is pretty low currently so I’d like to work on that as well. Are you happy with that?”

“I suppose so” Spencer said quietly, not particularly looking forward to delving into his past

 “With myself we’ll be working on helping you function when you leave the hospital” Erica, the occupational therapist, spoke next “We’ll be working through tasks you find difficult but are necessary to daily life to get you as prepared to live as independently as possible”

“Wonderful, does anyone have any questions or anything they’d like to add?” Dr Smith asked. No one said anything so he called the meeting to a close “Good, thank you for coming everyone, we’ll have these meetings monthly to determine what is and what isn’t working in Spencer’s treatment.”

Everyone agreed and prepared to leave. Hotch turned to Spencer as the professionals left leaving just the two of them and one of Spencer’s key nurses James. After glancing at the nurse Hotch turned back to Spencer “Are you on 1 to 1 again”

“Since my episode yesterday yeah” Spencer sighed “I was only off it for 24 hours”

Hotch nodded “It sounds like they’ve worked out a pretty good treatment plan for you, hopefully things will start to improve”

Spencer looked unconvinced but nodded anyway “Yeah hopefully”

Hotch put his hand on Spencer’s and squeezed it comfortingly “I’ve got to get back to the office but I’ll see you soon alright. Stay positive, things are going to get better ok”

“Thanks Hotch” Spencer half smiled as Hotch left hoping that things would improve for his old agent soon. Little did he know that things were about to get a whole lot worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't really explain the medications thing very well so basically Risperdal, Abilify, Seroquel and Olanzapine are all second generation antipsychotic also known as atypical antipsychotics. They are newer and generally have less severe side effects but aren't always as effective, depending on the individual. I've been on three of those and none of them helped me at all. First generation antipsychotics also known as typical antipsychotics are the older medications and are the more hardcore stuff like Clozaril, Thorazine and Haldol. However some of them can have more severe side effects.
> 
> Thanks for reading and for all the comments and kudos, it means a lot to me!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realised after a comment (on fancfiction not here) that I never stated whenabouts in the show this is set! I've set this in late season 4 meaning that Spencer is around 27. This is fairly late for the onset of schizophrenia but not totally uncommon; the rarest ages of onset being under 18 and over 30 but it can still happen! Just thought I'd add this in! Enjoy

As Spencer was weaned off the medication his mental state got worse. Even though the antipsychotic wasn’t working as well as it should, it was still suppressing the symptoms to an extent, so with the medication being reduced Spencer spent the following days in a hellish haze living with a non-existent line between fantasy and reality.

Struggling to tell what was and wasn’t real Spencer was often becoming agitated or upset and the psychosis induced meltdowns were getting more severe, to the point where the staff were becoming seriously concerned with his safety. After being sedated almost daily and constantly being on observations the staff decided to move Spencer upstairs to the secure ward so he could be monitored more closely. As the secure ward has a higher staff to patient ratio, rooms designed to reduce any objects that patients could harm themselves or others with, and locked doors at night it housed the most severely mental ill patients the hospital catered for.

 

The team were unable to visit Spencer for the next week due to being out of town for a case in Ohio. Hotch received a few calls updating him on Spencer’s condition but decided to keep it from the team, not wanting them to become upset and distracted.

It was a kid case which was always hardest for the team to deal with emotionally. They caught the guy but not until after he’d killed six kids. The team boarded the jet feeling exhausted and despondent.

They all sat in silence for a while Rossi spoke up “Is anyone planning on visiting the kid tonight? I know it was a long case but I don’t want him to feel abandoned”

“I’ll go see him, the rest of you should go home and get some rest” Hotch replied

“No way man, you should go see your son” Morgan said “I’m happy to go see Reid”

“I’ll come as well” Prentiss volunteered

“It’s alright guys; I’ve got to speak to his doctor anyway” Hotch said

“Why do you need to speak to his doctor?” JJ frowned “You only had a meeting with his team last week. Is he ok?”

Hotch sighed, knowing that he couldn’t lie to them “Reid’s been in a pretty bad way. They’ve been weaning him off his medication so they can start a different one but the last few days he’s had to be on a very low dose and he’s struggling. He’s coming off it completely in a couple of days and has to have at least 48 hours after stopping it before starting the new one to make sure it’s out of his system. Being on a lower dose has caused him to deteriorate and they’ve had to move him to their high security ward”

“What, why didn’t you tell us?!” Morgan exclaimed

“I needed you focused on the case, not worrying about Reid” Hotch explained

“We had a right to know!” Morgan glared at his boss “Well I’m still coming anyway, he needs us right now”

“Me too” Prentiss said

“I really need to see Will and Henry but I’ll visit tomorrow” JJ said guiltily, not wanting to let Spencer down but still really needing to hold her son after the case

“I’ll go with you tomorrow JJ” Rossi offered

“I need to warn you before anyone visits him that Reid is very unwell at the moment. He might not make any sense or he might not even realise that we’re there. It’s going to be upsetting and I won’t judge anyone who wants to wait until he’s stable again to see him” Hotch warned

“We promised we’d be with him through the ups and downs of this” Prentiss stated “I don’t think anyone of us is willing to go back on that promise”

The rest of the team agreed and silence took over the jet once more as they all got lost in their thoughts.

 

Once they were back in Virginia Hotch, Morgan and Prentiss made their way to the hospital. They’d informed Garcia who decided to go visit Spencer the following day with JJ and Rossi. The ride to the hospital was mostly quiet as the three all worried about the state they’d find Reid in.

It wasn’t long before they arrived and were escorted up to the second floor by a nurse. They went through a couple of locked doors before they found themselves entering the high security ward.  They followed the nurse down the hallway before stopping outside one of the bedrooms.

The nurse knocked on the door before opening it to reveal Reid pacing the room muttering. His hair was sticking up all over the place, stubble was starting to appear on his face, the bags under his eyes were even darker than usual and he was wearing a blue, baggy, rip proof jumpsuit. “Spencer your friends are here”

Spencer showed no sign of noticing the nurse speak or the agents stepping into his room, he just continued pacing. The room wasn’t too different that the one on the main ward but it was a little smaller, the desk and bed were screwed to the ground, the wardrobe was built in and the bed sheets were a different material that the agents assumed was rip proof. There was an en-suite but the shower head was fixed into the ceiling and the mirror was behind flexiglas so the patients couldn’t use anything to hurt themselves or anyone else.

 The whole situation was upsetting all three of the profilers but all of them tried not to let it show. “I’ll be right outside if you need me” The nurse said before smiling reassuringly at them and leaving.

The trio turned their attention back to Spencer who still didn’t seem to notice that they were there.

“Hey kid” Morgan said gently as they entered the room. Spencer still didn’t respond so he tried again. Morgan stepped closer and reached out to touch Spencer’s arm “Reid”

Spencer jumped away before looking over, frowning slightly as he took in all of their faces. “Are you real?” He finally whispered nervously.

“We’re real Spencer” Prentiss replied softly

“Why… why are you here? I thought you’d hate me” Spencer mumbled

The three others exchanged confused looks “Why would we hate you Reid?” Hotch asked

Spencer’s face fell as he seemed to realise something “They didn’t tell you what I did?”

Again the trio exchanged looks, Prentiss and Morgan looking to Hotch in case he knew something they didn’t but he seemed as clueless as they did. Morgan turned back to Reid “We don’t know what you’re talking about kid, but whatever it is we could never hate you. We know you’re not well at the moment and that you might react differently in certain situations but nothing you’ve done could cause us to hate you”

“No no no” Spencer shook his head rapidly “You have no idea. It’s bad… I’m… I’m bad”

“What did you do Reid?” Hotch asked carefully

“I… I killed someone”

“What are you talking about kid, you haven’t killed anyone” Morgan replied

“No I did! He was here and I shot him and I couldn’t save him! There’s still blood on my hands, can’t you see it!” Reid said frantically

“There’s no blood Spencer” Emily said gently

“No there is! I tried to scrub it all off but I can’t get it all off me. And now he’s dead and it’s all my fault!”

“Who’s dead Reid?” Hotch asked, feeling more and more concerned

“Tobias Hankel. He was here and I shot him”

Hotch sighed “No Spencer it must’ve been a hallucination. Hankel has been dead for years, he couldn’t have been here and you don’t have your gun with you, there’s no way you could’ve shot anyone” He explained gently

Spencer shook his head rapidly “No, please you have to believe me, he was here! I shouldn’t even be here, I should be in prison, I’m dangerous”

“Reid, your mind isn’t handling coming off the medications well and you’ve been having hallucinations and delusions. None of what you’ve just told us really happened, I promise you haven’t hurt anyone, the only person you’re a danger to is yourself.

I want you to listen to me okay; there’s nothing you have in here that you could use to shot or even hurt anyone. If you had killed someone you’d either be in prison or in a maximum security institution.”

“No you don’t understand; they’re covering it up!” Reid exclaimed

“Who’s covering what up kid?”

“My father paid off the hospital to make sure no one found out but I can’t take it! I can’t just pretend that I’m not a murderer!”

“Spencer you are _not_ a murderer!” Prentiss replied “Did William come and visit you? I didn’t think that you two were in contact still”

“No; William’s not my real father” Spencer argued, seemingly getting upset at having to keep explaining himself “The agents told me I have to keep the identity of my real father a secret but he’s paying to keep me here and out of trouble”

The other agents were becoming more and more convinced that this was another delusion but the two younger agents couldn’t help feeling curious nonetheless.

“Come on kid, we’re your best friends, you know we’ll keep your secret”

Reid looked at them, seeming to debate whether to tell them or not in his head, before sighing “You can’t tell anyone okay, and I’m not exactly thrilled about it myself but my biological father is Donald Trump. His agents came and explained it all to me”

For a few moments Hotch, Morgan and Prentiss were all shocked into a stunned silence. It’d be funny if it wasn’t so clear that Reid believed his words whole-heartedly and it just left them feeling sad instead. Their Reid, who was so logical and literal that he didn’t understand sarcasm the majority of the time, would’ve never even entertained the idea of these delusions being reality.

“Spencer, that’s not true, Donald Trump isn’t your father, he didn’t send his agents to see you and he’s not covering up a murder that you didn’t even commit. You killed Tobias Hankel two years ago out of self defence and your father is William Reid. The only visitors you’ve had are the members of the BAU and your mom. Everything else is a delusion” Emily explained carefully

“You’re not well kid; your symptoms have worsened from stopping the meds but you’re displaying classic symptoms of schizophrenia. Your mind’s tricking you” Morgan continued gently

Reid shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut tightly before he finally stopped pacing and dropped to the floor beginning to cry “I don’t know what to believe anymore. Things keep happening and I don’t know if it’s real or not, I don’t even know if this is real! I’m so confused, I can’t take this for much longer!”

“Oh pretty boy” Morgan said softly before sitting down beside Spencer on the floor, keeping enough distance so that Reid still had a decent amount of personal space to prevent him from panicking. “I know that it’s horrible at the moment but things will get better soon. In a few days they’ll start you on a new medication and hopefully that will help”

“I’m scared Morgan” Spencer admitted between sobs

“I know kid, I know”

 

As Morgan and Prentiss comforted Reid, Hotch slipped out as Spencer’s doctor gestured to him.

“Thanks for staying late to see me” Hotch said to the doctor “I just wanted to hear how you think Spencer’s doing and if there’s anything we can do to help”

“Well as I’m sure you’ve seen by now, Spencer’s struggling. Coming off the medication has increased his symptoms and his hallucinations and delusions have got worse. He hasn’t left his room since being moved onto this ward and he’s not eating much; he thinks anything we give him has been poisoned.

But he’ll be completely off the medication tomorrow so we can start the new one in a couple of days and hopefully things will improve then. I wouldn’t worry too much for now, this is only temporary. The best thing you can do for Spencer is to be there for him and reassure him; he’s very scared and confused but having people he trusts and cares about is going to be the best thing for him at the moment” Dr Smith explained

“Yeah he’s at the worst I’ve ever seen him” Hotch replied sadly “He was convinced he killed someone and that his father is Donald Trump, I’ve never seen him like this.”

Dr Smith nodded “Sadly that’s not even the strangest delusion I’ve heard from a patient. I know it must be frustrating to have him say such illogical things but, unless the delusion is actively distressing him, it’s best not to argue with it. He’ll be unable to think reasonably and changeling the delusions could lead to him becoming more agitated”

“I’ll tell the rest of the team and we’ll try and keep that in mind. Is there anything you can do or give him just for now, it’s hard to see him so distressed?” Hotch asked

“Other than the PRN there’s nothing we can really give him and obviously we don’t want to give him the emergency medication too much to make sure he doesn’t grow reliant on it. We also have to make sure we’re not overdosing him on it by giving him it too often.” The doctor said ruefully “I know it’s hard for everyone but hopefully after a few more days we can get things back on track again”

“Alright, thank you anyway” Hotch sighed

“I know this is as tough on all of you as it is on Spencer” Dr Smith added “Don’t forget to look after yourselves as well”

Hotch nodded “Thanks Dr Smith” he replied before taking a deep breath and going back into Spencer’s room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long, this chapter was really hard to write and I still don't even like it! Hopefully the next update will be sooner! And I know this is a pretty sad chapter but it's the reality of the illness, hopefully things will be looking up for Reid soon! Thanks for reading and for all of your comments, please let me know what you think of this chapter!


	9. Chapter 9

 

JJ, Rossi and Garcia’s visit the following day wasn’t much better. Reid was now fully off of the medication and it was showing. He had hardly slept the previous night as he’d seen a shadowy figure in the room watching him, he hadn’t eaten and he’d spent most of the day sitting on his bed staring into space and muttering to himself.

The visit consisted of trying to get Reid to eat at least one of the cookies Garcia baked, in a desperate attempt to get him to eat something, trying to keep his attention on them and off the hallucinations, and trying to decipher Reid’s scrambled sentences when he was trying to converse with them. It was exhausting and emotional for all of them and the three agents all left feeling downhearted.

Finally, after a few rough days for all involved, Spencer was able to start his new medications. He was started on 10mgs of Olanzapine and 20mgs of Prozac. It took a few days for any changes to begin but eventually the drugs seemed to have an effect. He slowly became less paranoid and delusional and his speech was less jumbled, he was eating again and had started to leave his room and spend more time in the day room of the intensive care ward.

However the side effects of the medications also seemed to be affecting him, he was very lethargic and kept getting headaches and he seemed duller and slower. Plus he was still hallucinating, not as severely but more than the doctors had hoped for. The drugs weren’t a cure for the symptoms but the doctors had hoped they’d be a bit more effective. Nonetheless, they decided to keep him on it and consider increasing the dosage once it was more into his system and Spencer was finally stable enough, after a couple of weeks, to be released back onto the main ward.

As was protocol after coming off the secure ward, Spencer was put straight back onto 1 to 1 to ensure that he was safe and stable enough to be back on the main ward. It was annoying but Spencer wasn’t too upset about it, it was worth it to be back on the main ward, as he’d come back to reality he realised how boring the secure ward really was. They didn’t run activities as the patients on that ward were too unwell to participate and there were far less patients to talk to, most being too sick to become friendly with. The days would drag, having little to do other than read and watch TV so Spencer was relieved to be out of there.

After putting his stuff back in his room Spencer and Emma, the nurse on 1 to 1 with him, made their way to the day room. The activities for the day had finished so there were a few other patients in there, including Izzy and Daniel. Spencer made his way over to them and sat down on the couch next to Izzy.

“Hey guys” He said nervously

“Spencer!” Izzy exclaimed, a smile lighting her face “I’m so glad you’re back!”

“We were worried about you man, how are you?” Daniel asked

“Better than I was” Spencer replied “How have you both been? And where’s Cassie?”

“Cassie was discharged but she still comes as a day patient” Izzy answered “I’ve been doing alright; they’re considering discharging me soon too!”

“I’ve been the same really, no better but no worse” Daniel shrugged “Thank goodness you’re back though, when Izzy gets out of here I won’t be all alone” He chuckled

“That’s great Izzy!” Spencer smiled “And I’m glad to be back, I missed you guys” He admitted

“We missed you too” Said Izzy “We’ve got to catch you up on everything that’s been happening!”

The three chatted until dinner then Daniel and Spencer played chess while Izzy watched TV. Despite brain fog leading Spencer to make a few mistakes he just about managed to win. The game wouldn’t have been a challenge for Gideon or Prentiss but Spencer was relieved that he hadn’t completely lost his skills.

By 10pm Spencer was exhausted, the medications making him drowsy so he excused himself and him and Emma made their way to his room. After changing and brushing his teeth, Spencer fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

 

The next morning Spencer awoke to the sensation of being stared at. He looked around to see the nurse he recognised as Lauren sitting on the chair beside his bed but she wasn’t looking at him, she appeared to be filling out some forms on a clipboard.

He looked to the other side of him and couldn’t stifle a gasp as he saw the familiar shadowy black figure that he’d seen a few times while he was on the secure ward. Spencer had come to know him as The Man and he was one of the worst visual hallucinations that Spencer had.

The Man was very tall, around 7 feet, and had indistinguishable features due to being permanently surrounded by darkness and shadows. He never spoke; just followed Spencer around staring at him, but the voices that Spencer heard warned him that the man was dangerous. Even the meanest and scariest of Spencer’s hallucinations were scared of him.

As his schizophrenia had advanced, his hallucinations had developed different personalities. The man was one of the newer hallucinations, only being around since Spencer had been on the secure ward, but he had several auditory hallucinations that’d been around for a while.

The first hallucination that had stood out from the mass of voices and whispers was Angie. Angie had turned up after Spencer had been on the streets for a month. She was a very angry and explosive character who wanted to hurt others when she got mad.

Annie was the second hallucination and she turned her anger inwardly onto just herself and Spencer. She was Angie’s twin sister and was always miserable. She often tried to convince Spencer to hurt himself, the opposite to Angie who wanted him to hurt others.

Then came Damien, just before Spencer was first hospitalised. Damien was a sadist who was enthralled by blood and really disturbed Spencer when he first appeared.

After a few weeks in hospital George appeared. George was the worst of the auditory hallucinations; he was a complete psychopath with no positive qualities, remorse or anything other than hate. He terrified Spencer, reminding him of some of the worst unsubs he’d dealt with when he was with the BAU.

But The Man was on a whole different level to the auditory hallucinations, being visual and feeling very real to Spencer. The voices were horrible but if Spencer was having a good day he could mostly ignore them or not let them interfere. However The Man was impossible to ignore.

“Spencer, are you ok?” Lauren’s voice broke through his thoughts

Spencer just nodded in response, not wanting to take his eyes off of the man.

Lauren still seemed concerned “Are you sure? Are you seeing something?”

Spencer managed to tear his eyes off of the man for long enough to look at Lauren “Yeah” He admitted quietly.

“Alright, that’s ok. Would you like to try and cope with it on your own or would you like to take your PRN?”

“No thanks, I’ll be fine” Spencer replied

“Ok, well hopefully it’ll go away when you take your meds in a minute but if it gets worse I need you to tell me alright?” Lauren said

Spencer nodded in response and got himself showered and dressed with Lauren’s encouragement. Then he had breakfast and took his meds before going to the scheduled activities. The patients had the morning meeting first then had a mindfulness meditation group. Spencer struggled with this; The Man hadn’t gone away and Spencer was on edge trying to keep his eye on him.

However the second activity was more successful. A charity brought therapy dogs into the hospital every month and, despite initially being concerned about the Reid effect, Spencer managed to get on well with a chocolate Labrador called Lottie. 

During the dog therapy Spencer finally started to relax and take some attention off of The Man. He managed to enjoy the time spent scratching the dogs ears and rubbing her belly and whenever he looked away in the direction of the man Lottie would push her nose into his hand to redirect his attention.

Reid had read about animal therapies but would never have considered them for himself, not being known for getting on particularly well with them. However he couldn’t deny the calm and comfort he felt spending time with Lottie.

The hour ended too soon and Spencer followed the other patient’s to wash up and have lunch. He sat with Daniel, Izzy and Cassie who, as a day patient, joined the other patients in the daily activities. Lauren also sat beside him, keeping a watchful eye, and as lunch continued he became all too aware on The Man again, who was standing closer than he had been previously. Spencer repressed a shudder and tried to eat his food but his appetite had gone. He considered asking for his PRN, wanting more than anything for The Man to just leave him alone, but he decided against it. He’d managed through all morning without it and he didn’t want to be relying on additional medication, if it got worse then he’d speak up.

After lunch Spencer had a session with Dr Smith. “Hello Spencer” The doctor greeted as Spencer sat down opposite him. “How are you adjusting to being back on the main ward?”

Spencer tried his best to ignore the man as he listened to Dr Smith. “Alright I think I’m glad to be back here instead of the secure ward”

“That’s good” The psychiatrist smiled “How’ve you been today, some of the nurses have said you seem to of been struggling a bit today”

Spencer sighed, deciding to be honest “Yeah I’ve been hallucinating a bit”

“What type, visual, auditory, tactile..?”

“Some auditory but not too much, mainly visual”

“And what have you been seeing?” Dr Smith questioned

“One of my regular visual hallucinations; The Man. He’s a tall figure surrounded by darkness and smoke so you can’t distinguish any of his features” Spencer replied, feeling uncomfortable about discussing his hallucinations out loud.

“Alright and if you don’t mind me asking does he scare you? You looked anxious while you were talking about him”

Spencer just nodded in response.

“Well you’ve been on Olanzapine for a couple of weeks now so we could try increasing it and seeing if that helps. No medication will take away the hallucinations completely but it should help make them seem less real and easier to cope with” Dr Smith suggested

“Yeah that sounds good” Spencer agreed

“Good” The doctor smiled “We’ll increase the dose to 15mgs starting tomorrow. How’s your mood been?”

“Pretty much the same, I’ve still been feeling pretty low” Admitted Spencer

“Ok well I think we’ll see if we can make the hallucinations better first before adjusting the antidepressant as well as increasing the antipsychotic might help with your mood as well” Dr Smith decided

“Also some of the nurses told me how well you responded to the canine therapy today and how beneficial it seemed to be. The same charity also brings the dogs out here for individual sessions and I was wondering if you thought that might be helpful for you?”

“Yeah definitely” Spencer jumped at the chance for extra therapy with the dogs after how he’d felt that morning “I didn’t expect much from it, animals don’t usually like me very much but I found it really calming”

“That’s good to hear, we’ll try and book in fortnightly individual sessions for you as well then” The doctor replied

After some more talk about Spencer’s symptoms Spencer left the psychiatrist’s office. As he got into the hallway an unfamiliar nurse was waiting for him.

“You must be Spencer, I’m Jane. Lauren’s shift ended so I’m stuck babysitting you now” Jane said, sounding bored.

Jane’s words made Spencer feel a bit uncomfortable but he ignored it and hoped it was just a bad first impression. However, as the day went on he realised his first impression was correct; Jane seemed bored and uncaring, following him around not even trying to make conversation or make him feel comfortable, instead just making the occasional snide comment. It was upsetting and made Spencer feel awkward but he tried his best to not let it affect him.

 

That afternoon, after everyone’s activities and sessions had ended, the nurses decided to take the patients out for a walk on the grounds so Spencer joined Izzy and Daniel, followed closely by Jane. It was a nice day, clear skies and the sun was warm, so they found a patch of grass to sit on and chat.

As Spencer sat there he felt a sense of dread in the pit of his stomach. He glanced behind him and saw The Man standing behind him, closer than ever. It wasn’t something that he could explain but he knew if he didn’t get away from him something really bad was going to happen. The voices were screaming at him to run and Spencer couldn’t sit there any longer.

“I’m just going to the bathroom” He muttered to Izzy and Daniel, unaware that they were deep in conversation and didn’t hear him. Spencer rushed off, not noticing that Jane was still sitting on a bench near them with her eyes closed, unaware that he was leaving.

A few minutes passed before Izzy and Daniel noticed that Spencer was gone. They looked over to Jane confused.

“Jane, where’s Spencer?” Daniel asked

Jane’s eyes shot open and she jumped up from the bench, quickly glancing around the area but Spencer was nowhere to be seen. “Oh crap.”   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again for the long time since updating, my initial schedule was going to be weekly updates but that's just become too hard. This has become harder to write than I expected and I've actually started working on other stories to put off working on this one, but yesterday I just sat myself down and forced myself to write this. Honestly a lot of stuff in this story is personal to me and it's effecting me more than I thought it would. I don't have schizophrenia but I have been through psychotic episodes and actually The Man, Annie, Angie, Damien and George (though he was called John for me but as Spencer was reffered to as John Doe in the first chapter I decided to change it) were some of my personal hallucinations.
> 
> I'd also like to adress the Trump stuff from last chapter; I'm not American but I personally dislike him myself however I wanted to come up with a delusion that was completely unrealistic as most delusions are and he was one of the only influential American's that came to the top of my head. I don't want to bring politics into this story and I don't mind if people reading this support him or not. I'm sorry to anyone I offended or made feel uncomfortable through this, it made me feel a bit uncomfortable so I won't continue with it.
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who has read, reviewed, etc, it really means a lot to me! I promise I will finish this story it just won't be as quick as I initally hoped for. Some of this chapter and the ones to come gets pretty dark but I hope you enjoy the lil bit of doggo therapy fluff, pups are the best!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for a suicide attempt (I'm so sorry please don't come for me)

The team were having lunch together when Hotch’s phone rang.

“Hotchner” He answered.

There was a few moments silence before he exclaimed “He’s what?! How the hell has this happened?”

The rest of the team exchanged worried glances as Hotch spoke angrily into the phone.

“I’ll be there in 20 minutes” He said before hanging up

The others looked at him expectantly as Hotch stood up. “Spencer’s gone missing from the hospital; they have CCTV footage of him leaving the grounds” he explained.

“What!” Morgan exclaimed “I thought they were supposed to be keeping him safe!”

Hotch sighed “He was put back on the main ward yesterday and has been on 1 to 1 observations. The nurses took the patients on a walk outside and Spencer was sitting with some friends so apparently the nurse who was watching him thought it’d be ok to close her eyes for a second. The next thing they knew he was gone.

They’ve assured me that the nurse responsible is going to undergo a thorough investigation and they’ve called the local PD to help find Spencer but I want to go down there myself.”

“How the hell could they let this happen?” Prentiss growled angrily

“I don’t know but I intend to find out and made sure people are held accountable. But for now the main priority is getting Reid back safe” Hotch replied

The others nodded and all started packing away their things and standing up. Hotch frowned “What are you all doing?”

“Coming with you” JJ stated as if it was obvious

Hotch shook his head “Straus will never authorise us all leaving”

“Then we don’t tell her” Rossi shrugged

Realising that he wouldn’t be able to stop the others from coming, Hotch sighed and nodded “Come on then; let’s go”

 

The team got to the hospital in record time. They rushed in to find Dr Smith talking with a couple of cops. The doctor quickly noticed them and, after saying something to the cops, came over to them.

“Thank you for coming; I’m so sorry that this happened but I’d like to assure you that we are doing everything in our power to find Spencer and to make sure nothing like this ever happens again.” Dr Smith said “There are several patrols out now looking for him and his photo has already been given to reporters. The nurse who was responsible has been fired on the spot; we will not allow incompetence in our staff here.”

Hotch nodded “We appreciate that. I can’t say any of us are particularly happy with what’s happened but, for now, our priority is finding Spencer. We’d like to join the local PD on their search”

“I understand and of course you are welcome to join the search” The doctor agreed.

The team met with the local PD and were allocated areas to search. They split up into two groups; Hotch, JJ and Morgan in one, and Rossi and Prentiss in the other. Garcia set up her laptop to narrow down the search area, calculating how far Spencer could’ve gone in the time he had been missing, and to see if there were any places nearby where he would consider going. Then they set off to find Reid.

 

Spencer was terrified. The Man had continued following him wherever he had tried to run too and seemed to be getting closer. He’d also tried hiding but The Man had just been there waiting for him when he came out. He didn’t know what to do; Annie and Angie were screaming at him in fear and even Damien seemed scared.

Eventually Spencer collapsed in the middle of a park somewhere; he had no idea where he was and he realised he had no way to even call for help. But he didn’t have time to focus on that; he had to come up with a plan to get away from the man.

As Spencer tried to think he noticed movement in his peripheral vision. He spun his head around to see Tobias Hankel as Charles walking towards him. He quickly jumped up and turned away from him but from the other direction Nathan Harris was coming towards him Nathan Harris with his wrists slit. Spencer gasped as he looked around and saw Riley Jenkins looking terrified while he clutched a teddy bear, Phillip Dowd with a gunshot through his head, Owen Savage pulling against handcuffs, and Adam Jackson as Amanda all circling him, The Man standing central.

Suddenly the Man lunged and Spencer ran, not having to look behind to know that they were all chasing him. He ran for as long as he could, the adrenaline carrying him through the burning of his legs and the bursting of his chest. Eventually his body couldn’t take it anymore and he grabbed onto a railing and puked.

As Spencer slowly regained his breath he became aware of his surroundings. He was holding onto a railing of a bridge with some sort of highway underneath it. The Man and the others had somehow got either sides of him, trapping him in the middle of the bridge.

The realisation quickly hit him; if Spencer wanted to get away from them he’d have to jump. Looking down he concluded that the chances of surviving the fall would be near impossible but strangely he didn’t care. They wouldn’t follow him down there and maybe death would be better than living like this. Spencer carefully climbed to the other side of the railings as he realised what he had to do.

 

Both groups of the BAU were driving in the areas Garcia had allocated for them when Morgan’s phone rang. “Hey baby girl, tell me you’ve got something”

“Someone matching Reid’s description has been spotted on a bridge. It’s been radioed through to the local PD but you’re the closest, I’m sending you the location right now.”

Hotch spun the car around immediately and put the sirens on “We’re on our way Garcia”

“Yes sir, go save our baby boy before it’s too late. I’m going to call Prentiss and Rossi, call me the second you’ve found him safe. Garcia out” She said as she hung up

It only took the group a few minutes to get to the location Garcia had sent and they were the first on scene. They all jumped out of the car to see Reid on the middle of the bridge on the outside of the railings, looking like he was going to let go any second.

“Shit” Morgan muttered

“I didn’t know he was suicidal” JJ said quietly

“Neither did I” Replied Hotch trying to hide the concern that threatened to leak into his voice, before stepping forward and approaching Reid.

He approached slowly, not wanting to startle Reid, and when he was a few meters away he softly spoke. “Spencer”

Spencer’s head immediately snapped round to see his former boss standing on his left; JJ and Morgan close behind. He looked back towards Hotch and the man smiled gently at him; the kind of expression he usually used when he was trying to help or reassure Jack.

“We’ve all been looking for you Spencer; we’ve been worried. Why don’t we get you back over to the other side of the railings where you’ll be safe, and you can tell us what happened”

Spencer shook his head “I’m sorry Hotch but I can’t; it’s not safe”

“I promise you Spencer, it’s safe. Myself, Morgan and JJ are all here and you know we’ll protect you no matter what” Hotch said gently “Whatever’s scaring you isn’t real; it’s only Morgan, JJ and I here and we’re not going to let anyone or anything hurt you.”

“They’re all there waiting for me Hotch and they’re never going to go away. I don’t want to live like this anymore” Spencer whispered

“They will go away, we’ll just probably need to adjust your medication and find what works for you. The doctors are all hopeful that things can improve, you just need to keep fighting” Hotch urged

“I don’t know if I can” Spencer’s voice was barely audible at this point

Morgan realised talking Reid down was going to be harder than they’d anticipated and decided the best plan was to call for back up and put some safety measures in place, just in case. He glanced over towards JJ who was watching the exchange looking distraught.

 Suddenly it hit Morgan, despite her not talking about it much Morgan knew about JJ’s sister’s suicide and realised how many memories the current situation would be bringing back for her. But he also knew, the best chance of getting Spencer off the bridge safely would be for them to all stay calm and clear headed. As JJ looked on the verge of a breakdown Morgan decided to allocate her some tasks, in the hopes that if they treated it like a job they’d be able to push their emotions aside until Spencer was safe.

“JJ, I need you to call for an ambulance and the fire department. Once that’s done we’ll need to instruct the local PD to try and close the road below. Also lets try and avoid sirens, lights and keep it to as few people up here as possible, we don’t want to spook him” Derek instructed

Morgan’s orders broke JJ out of her trance and, to his relief, she nodded, stepping away to make the calls. Now that he didn’t have to worry about JJ, Morgan approached Hotch and Reid again, hoping he might be able to help Hotch out.

By this point Spencer had started crying “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live like this anymore. I’m sorry”

As Hotch was clearly unable to get through to Reid Morgan decided to try “Spencer listen to me. You can do this and things will get better. You will get better. None of us are going to give up on you so don’t give up on yourself. Please Spencer”

Spencer looked at Morgan and seemed to consider what he was saying but then looked beyond him and his face contorted with fear once more at what he was seeing. “I’m sorry, I can’t” He sobbed and let go of the railings.

Fortunately both Hotch and Morgan had anticipated this and had lunged forward a split second before he let go, grabbing him so that he wouldn’t fall. Spencer struggled against them, his sobs increasing as their grip on him remained firm.

The three stayed like that until the fire department turned up and harnessed Spencer to lift him safely back to the other side of the railings. By this point Rossi and Prentiss had also arrived and were standing to the side with JJ, Morgan and Hotch, watching anxiously as the fire fighters worked to secure Spencer. Once he was safely on the other side and unharnessed a couple of local cops stepped forward and handcuffed him.

“Is that really necessary?” Hotch said, glaring at the officers as Spencer was clearly already distressed.

“It’s for his own safety sir” One of the cops replied nervously, clearly intimidated by the agent.

“Can we at least escort him back?” Morgan asked

“I’m afraid this is procedure and as you’re not officially here as agents we’ll have to take him” The other officer answered “You can see him once his doctor approves it”

Hotch and Morgan reluctantly agreed and watched as Reid was escorted to the police car and put into the back. As the car drove off the rest of the team had to give statements to the other officers before they could finally go back to the hospital. Once they got back in the SUV’s the agent’s walls started to come down.

JJ and even Morgan were fighting off tears, Emily was clearly struggling to compartmentalise until she could break down alone, Rossi looked exhausted and Hotch was lost in his own thoughts.

After quickly recomposing themselves they drove back to the hospital. They waited for the doctor in silence, no one knowing what to say to each other. It didn’t take long for Dr Smith to come down to meet them. Due to doctor patient confidentiality he could only speak to Hotch so the rest of the team remained in the reception as Hotch followed Dr Smith to his office. Once they were in private the doctor informed Hotch what happened.

“The local PD got Spencer back here safely. He was still quite distressed so we decided it’d be in his best interest to give him a light sedative. Between the sedative and the exhaustion from everything that happened today it didn’t take him long to fall asleep.

We’ve moved him back up to the secure ward and we’ll see how he is over the next few days. I’d spoken to Spencer earlier today and we’d already agreed to increase his antipsychotic but if that doesn’t change anything I think we’ll try a different medication. It’s clearly not working as well as we hoped.

I’m sorry again about how this happened; I’ll be speaking to all the staff here to make sure they realise how serious something like this can be. I’m relieved that he wasn’t harmed”

“Thank you doctor” Hotch replied “Will he be able to have visitors tomorrow?”

Dr Smith nodded “He should be able to but if not I’ll make sure you’re notified. Unless there’s anything else you want to talk about I recommend that you and your team go home and get some rest; it’s been a rough day for you all as well and I can’t thank you enough for helping to bring Spencer back here safely. From what I hear you saved his life”

“Thanks, we’ll do that” Hotch said before shaking the doctor’s hand and going back to the reception to fill in the rest of the team.

By the time they all got home it was pretty late. The exhausted team members were finally able to allow themselves to be vulnerable and let the events of the day affect them in the safety of their homes.

Garcia got straight into cosy PJs and snuggled up in blankets on her couch with a hot chocolate in an attempt to self soothe but being unable to stop the tears falling. JJ collapsed into Will’s arms and sobbed until she exhausted herself completely and fell asleep in his hold. Morgan didn’t bother going home, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to rest. Instead he took his pain and frustration out on a wall in one of the houses that he was renovating. Emily got into a hot shower and finally let her tears fall, mixing in with the water. Rossi sunk into an old armchair, nursing a glass of scotch. And Hotch sat beside Jack as he slept, eventually falling asleep himself on his son’s floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh sorry for such a sad chapter! This chapter was so hard for me to write but it's some people's reality and I don't want to shy away from how harsh mental illness can truly be. Now I need to go and write some puppy therapy fluff haha. Thank you for the continued support through your comments and kudos, it means a lot to me!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mentions of suicide, discussions of attempted suicide and suicidal thoughts.

Spencer awoke to the sound of talking beside him. His mind felt fuzzy and the person’s words were unintelligible so he slowly turned. The room was empty other than his key nurse James and it wasn’t his usual room. He realised with a sigh that he was back in the secure ward and that the talking was a hallucination.

The noise alerted James who looked up to see Spencer awake. “Hey Spencer, how are you feeling?”

As the events of the previous day came back to him Spencer felt awful. He’d actually tried to kill himself and the worst part was that he wished he’d succeeded. He was tired of living in the hell that his mind created and he didn’t have anything to live for anymore. He’d never be able to go back to his job; his life, eventually his team would see that he was a lost cause and give up on him, and without his mind he didn’t know who he was. Spencer Reid without his intelligence, without his brain, was nothing.

His future was bleak; best case scenario he was able to get to a functional level and get a menial job in a library or something. Worst case scenario, he’d be stuck institutionalised for the rest of his miserable life.

“Spencer?” James interrupted his thoughts

“I don’t want to be here” Spencer eventually whispered

“Here as in the secure ward or the hospital? Or here as in alive?” James asked gently

“All of the above” Spencer muttered

James smiled at him sympathetically “I’m sorry you’re having a tough time Spencer. Are you still hallucinating as well?”

Spencer nodded and James wrote something down on his clipboard “Ok, I’ll make sure your doctor knows. Now we should go and get you some breakfast”

“I’m not really hungry”

“Well I need you to try and eat something for me ok”

Spencer sighed and nodded, not having the energy to fight so he got up and followed James out of the room to get some food.

As the secure ward was much smaller there was no dining room; just the bedrooms, the living area, a staff room and a quiet room. Due to this a food cart was brought into the living room at mealtimes and the patients got their food from there.

Spencer got some orange juice and picked at a slice of toast, not really feeling hungry. There were only a couple of other patients around, the ward only held up to eight and most would’ve already eaten. He was relieved that it was quiet on the ward, he hated the chaos that erupted when other patients were struggling or got upset and there were far more breakdowns on the secure ward than the normal one.

Once James deemed that Spencer had eaten and drunk enough, Spencer took his meds before escaping back to his room, with James shadowing him, and getting back into bed. He didn’t feel like doing anything else, it was like his whole brain and body was consumed with tiredness and even just sitting and watching TV or reading a book felt impossible.

 

All of the members of the BAU were also having a difficult day, all of them found it hard to focus on their work as they were worrying about Spencer. Even Hotch, who was usually able to compartmentalise and hide his emotions behind a wall of stoicism, found it hard to pay attention to his case files. He knew that Reid was safe now and being taken care of but he still wanted to be there for the younger man himself. He was just thankful that they didn’t get a case.

Prentiss was also struggling to keep hiding her feelings. She’d only known Reid for about a year before he’d gone missing but, despite getting off to a rocky start after Hankel, they’d bonded pretty quickly. He reminded her of herself in some ways and hearing how close he’d been to losing his life the previous day had been like a punch to the gut.

Rossi felt similarly, he’d known Reid for the shortest amount of time out of the team members and had found the kid incredibly annoying at first, but he’d soon realised how essential Reid was to the team and why they all loved him so much. That was why he’d taken control of Reid’s finances when he disappeared and why he wanted to find and pay for the best facility possible to help him.

Garcia didn’t even attempt to hide her feelings; she’d come into work with puffy, red eyes and hadn’t even bothered to put make up on, knowing she’d probably cry it all off before the end of the day. She was truly devastated about what Reid tried to do and all she wanted was some magic way to make it all better.

Morgan had come in with his wrist strapped after a confrontation with a wall in a house he was renovating the previous night. He’d tried to go home and get some sleep but his mind kept flashing to Reid on that bridge, letting go of the railings and the split second where he thought his little brother was going to die. Eventually he’d given up trying to sleep and knocked some walls down in the renovation project instead. When that wasn’t enough he’d lashed out and punched the wall before breaking down in tears.

JJ was affected in a whole different way. She loved Reid like family and seeing him on the bridge had terrified her. She’d already lost one sibling to suicide, she couldn’t lose another. Although she was as devastated as the others her strongest emotion was anger. How could he so nearly do that to her, didn’t he realise how many people he would’ve hurt if he’d succeeded? She knew better than anyone the effects of suicide on loved ones and she’d come so close to reliving that all over again.

At lunchtime Hotch called all of the team into the conference room. The others entered the room with looks of dread visible on their faces, no matter how they tried to mask it, thinking they’d got a case.

“Don’t worry, we haven’t got a case. I’m allowing you all to go home early, I know none of us slept well last night and that no one can concentrate today so I’ve decided to give you the rest of the day off as opposed to receiving case files riddled with mistakes. We all need to go home and sort out our heads and be ready to work tomorrow.

I’m going to see Spencer around 3pm this afternoon and all of you are welcome to come along. I don’t know how he’ll be but I’m sure it’ll be a relief for some of you to see him” Hotch explained

“That gives me just enough time to make my cupcake some cupcakes!” Garcia exclaimed making the others in the room smile.

“I’ll come too, especially if my baby girl’s bringing cupcakes” Morgan smirked

Garcia raised her eyebrows “Oh no, no cupcakes for you so don’t you even get the idea into your head. They’re all for Spencer”

Morgan rolled his eyes while Prentiss and Rossi turned back to Hotch “I’ll meet you there”

“Me too”

Hotch nodded and turned his attention to JJ who was looking uncomfortable “I’m not sure if I’ll be able to, Will’s out tonight and I said I’d stay home with Henry and I won’t be able to get a sitter this late” She replied

The others seemed satisfied with JJ’s answer and left seeming happier than they’d been all day, but Hotch felt like something was off with JJ’s response. Her eyes kept shifting while she spoke and she was nervously fiddling with her hair, both of which could be signs of lying. But Hotch decided to leave it as she walked away. If she seemed off the following day he’d confront her but for now he had other things to worry about.

 

Spencer spent the whole morning in bed, even falling asleep at one point, until James made him get up to go and get some lunch. He still didn’t feel like eating but James wouldn’t let him get away with skipping meals so he complied and followed the nurse to the day room.

A few other patients were already in the room with their lunches, Spencer recognised a couple from the last time he’d been on the secure ward and another two he’d seen before on the main ward. However there were two that he didn’t recognise.

He got a plastic plate from the meal cart and picked out a sandwich and a packet of chips before finding somewhere away from the others to sit. Spencer didn’t want to be rude but he just didn’t feel like talking to anyone or trying to participate in any discussions so the best option was to sit alone.

As Spencer picked at his food, something in the corner of his eye caught his attention. His body automatically tensed as he glanced to the left to see The Man standing in the corner of the room. His breathing quickened and he jumped as he felt a hand on his shoulder. He spun around but fortunately it was just James.

“Hey, are you ok Spencer?” He asked concerned

Spencer glanced back to where The Man was still standing and shook his head.

“Are you seeing something?” James continued

Spencer just nodded, his eyes still fixed on The Man.

“Alright, I want you to look away from him Spencer. Look at me”

Spencer made a small pained noise as he shook his head.

“What’s the worst that can happen if you look away? If you ignore him” James asked

For a moment Spencer considered this and eventually tore his eyes away from The Man, looking at James who smiled reassuringly. Spencer looked back towards The Man who was now much closer, only a few feet away. All logic was lost as he gasped and stumbled backwards, his brain and body going into fight or flight mode.

He was vaguely aware of James and a couple of other nurses talking to him, trying to deescalate the situation but Spencer was too terrified to even try and focus on them. All he knew was that he was in danger and self preservation was fuelling his adrenaline. He grabbed a chair as a shield, holding it in front of himself with the legs facing away from him, and backed himself into a corner.

By this point the emergency alarm was blaring and nurses were rushing in, some trying to calm him and others getting the other patients out of the room.

James crouched down so that he could make eye contact with Spencer without looking down on him, and tried to calm the man “You’re ok Spencer; no one’s going to hurt you. You’re safe here”

As James spoke a few other nurses positioned themselves a few feet away on either side of Spencer, ready to intervene if necessary. Spencer was still looking at something beyond James so the nurse tried to redirect his attention.

“Spencer look at me” He said gently. Spencer looked conflicted but managed to tear his eyes away from whatever he was seeing. “Good” James smiled reassuringly “I promise you’re safe but you need to put down the chair ok”

Spencer shook his head “You don’t understand; he’s going to hurt us”

“He can’t hurt anyone Spencer, trust me” The nurse replied “He’s not real; he can’t do anything to you. We can help but you need to put the chair down”

Slowly Spencer nodded and set down the chair which one of the nurses quickly moved out of the way while James approached him. “I’m going to get your PRN ok and I need you to take it to help make you feel better”

Spencer just nodded and took the medication handed to him without a fight.

“We’re going to go and chill in the quiet room for a bit alright, until the medication takes effect” The nurse said as he helped Spencer up.

Spencer complied and allowed himself to be led to the small room designed for emergencies to prevent a patient from hurting themselves or others, or to calm down. It contained only a mattress on the floor and a pile of beanbags and pillows.

He sat down in a corner, holding his knees against his chest with his arms wrapped around his legs while James watched him carefully from the mattress. The Man had followed them into the room and Spencer couldn’t stop himself from shaking, hoping that the medication would hurry up and make him go away.

 

Later that afternoon the team; minus JJ, met outside the hospital. Once they were all there they made their way inside, all hoping that Spencer was doing better than the previous day. All of them were nervous, not sure how to act after the previous day. It’d scared them all, more than they’d admit.

Their nerves were palpable as a nurse came to escort them to Spencer’s room. 

“How’s he been doing?” Hotch asked as they approached the bedroom

“He’s had a rough day, he had a pretty bad episode earlier and he’s been pretty low all day” The nurse replied “He took his PRN so his psychosis is less obvious now but he still seems pretty depressed. Dr Smith has increased his antipsychotic and prescribed him an antidepressant so we’re hopeful that he’ll be feeling better within the next couple of weeks”

Hotch nodded in understanding as they got to Reid’s room and the nurse left them. The team entered the room to see Spencer curled up in bed and a nurse sitting in the corner of the room.

“Hey kid, how’re you feeling?” Morgan asked as they entered, Rossi sitting on a chair, Garcia sitting on the end of the bed and the others standing next to the bed.

Spencer just shrugged in response.

“I bought you cupcakes” Garcia smiled “A bit of sugar always makes me feel better when I’m down”

“Thanks Garcia” Spencer smiled half heartedly “Where’s JJ?”

“She had to stay home with Henry but she sends her love” Emily replied

Spencer nodded “You should all go home too; I’m not the best company right now. I’m sure you all have more important things to be doing”

“Don’t be silly Reid, we all want to be here for you” Morgan replied

“Maybe you shouldn’t” Reid sighed “I know you all wanted to fix me but I don’t think it’s possible; I’m too broken, yesterday should’ve proved that”

“Don’t say that! You’re not broken and you don’t need fixing, we just want to help you feel better” Garcia said

“Well maybe you can’t” Spencer replied bluntly “You should’ve just let me die, that’s the only way I’ll ever feel better and you won’t have to worry about me anymore”

“Reid!” Hotch said firmly “We all care about you too much to just let you die and we would’ve all been devastated if we lost you yesterday! We haven’t given up on you so don’t give up on yourself”

Spencer sighed and looked away from the others “I’m really tired, can you all please go? I need to get some rest”

“We’re not leaving you Spencer” Emily replied

“Please, I don’t want you here. Just go”

The team were prepared to argue further when the nurse behind them intervened “I think it’s best you went. Spencer’s had a tough day; hopefully he’ll be feeling more like himself tomorrow”

Hotch sighed and nodded “Alright Reid, you get some rest and we’ll see you soon”

“Look after yourself kid and remember how much we all love you alright” Morgan added as they left.

Once they were gone Spencer rolled over in his bed to face the wall as a despairing emptiness rolled over him. He’d  been telling the truth when he said he was tired; he was tired of fighting, tired of trying and he didn’t know how much longer he’d be able to battle with his brain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for another long time without an update, I struggled to make the words come out with this chapter, I knew what I wanted to say but not quite how to say it and I'm still not sure that I succeeded but at least I finally completed this chapter. Hopefully the next one will come quicker but I can't make any promises; this fic is proving very difficult for me to write as it has a lot of personal ties to me.
> 
> Anyway thank you for all of your lovely comments and the kudos, I hope you enjoy this chapter!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: this chapter contains discussion of suicide. Also in my mind at this point in the story we're now at the end of season 4, when JJ's back from maternity leave (I don't actually remember when she comes back so I'm just going to guess it was at the end of season 4) but before any cannon events from season 5 like Foyet. At this point none of the team knows about Rosaline as that doesn't come up until season 5. Just thought I'd clarify in case anyone was confused.

 

It was another rough couple of weeks for everyone. Spencer’s depression persisted and his psychosis was getting worse again. He was spending more and more time in psychotic states and the medications didn’t seem to be helping. When he was lucid he refused visitors so the team didn’t see him much during that time which made them all concerned. The only one who got regular updates was Hotch as Reid’s power of attorney.

After his symptoms didn’t improve after a couple of weeks Dr Smith decided to switch the medications again. Reid was weaned off the Olanzapine and started on Haloperidol and the dose of the antidepressant; fluoxetine was increased.

Finally things started to improve. Spencer’s symptoms became more manageable and he was finally moved back to the main ward and taken off of 1 to 1. With his symptoms at a more functional level he was finally able to properly partake in therapy and the doctors were pleased with his progress. He started to allow the team to visit again and they were all relieved to see how much better he was doing. The only one who had yet to visit was JJ.

 At first he thought maybe she was just busy but as the days went past Spencer soon realised she was avoiding him. He couldn’t blame her, he knew he’d put the team through a lot and knew they were finding his illness difficult to handle too. After considering it he decided he’d just mention it to Hotch after his upcoming treatment meeting that day. Spencer wanted to make sure that if JJ was struggling with things that the team were looking out for her too.

The morning went by as usual and after lunch Spencer was escorted to the meeting room where he joined Hotch and his key workers.

“Thanks everyone for joining us today; I’ll try not to make this too long, we just want to discuss some changes to the treatment plan and how we plan on moving forwards” Dr Smith opened “Firstly Spencer, we’ve amended your diagnosis. We currently think you fit the diagnostic criteria of schizoaffective disorder better than schizophrenia. I assume you both know what it is with your backgrounds in psychology but I’m happy to explain if you’re unsure of anything”

Despite his initial shock Spencer did what he did best and started spewing out facts “Schizoaffective disorder is a chronic mental illness characterised by both the symptoms of schizophrenia and a mood disorder, either bipolar or depression. For schizoaffective disorder to be diagnosed the patient must have experienced psychotic symptoms for at least a few weeks and mood symptoms must have been present for most of that time.

Around 0.3% of the population are diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, whereas 1% of the population is diagnosed with schizophrenia and approximately 20% of the population suffer from some kind of mood disorder.” He rambled. The diagnosis change wasn’t something he’d expected but the more he thought about it the more it made sense.

Dr Smith smiled, amused at his patient’s speech “That’s right, we’ve diagnosed you with the depressive type as we haven’t witnessed you in a manic state but the majority of the time you’ve been here you’ve shown some symptoms of depression. The symptoms weren’t as noticable when you first got here as the psychosis was so severe, which I’m guessing is why you were diagnosed with schizophrenia instead, but they were there. Your recent struggle with more severe depressive symptoms is what made us consider schizoaffective disorder and we think it fits your symptoms better anyway.

For example social dysfunction isn’t as severe in schizoaffective as it is in schizophrenia and we’ve seen that you’ve been able to socialise with other patients here. And the negative symptoms aren’t as pronounced which also applies to your symptoms, you struggle more with hallucinations and delusions than the emotional flatness we see in some patients.”

“That makes sense” Hotch nodded “So what does that change, what’s the best treatment for schizoaffective disorder?”

“Well we’ve already prescribed an antidepressant alongside the antipsychotic and medication is a big part of treating schizoaffective disorder. Alongside that it’s important to continue with therapy with a psychologist or therapist” Dr Smith explained “So not too much will be changing but now that we have this diagnosis we are hoping that we can treat Spencer far more accurately. Is everyone happy with all of that?”

Everyone around the table agreed and Dr Smith continued “So, moving forwards, we’re pleased with how you’ve been responding to the new medications Spencer, and how you’ve been doing in general. We’d like to try and give you opportunities for some day leave from the hospital so we can see how you cope outside of the hospital. We’ll start small, like a trip to a coffee shop with a friend and depending on how you cope we can grant more leave and start heading towards discharge. How does that sound?”

 “That sounds good!” Spencer replied, a little taken aback. He hadn’t been expecting anything like leave to come out of the meeting so he was pleasantly surprised.

“If you think it’s a good plan I’m happy to take Spencer out for dinner once we’re done here” Hotch suggested

 “You don’t have to do that Hotch” Reid argued “I don’t want to take up anymore of your day”

“I know I don’t have to, but I want to” Hotch replied firmly but softly, making it clear that he wasn’t taking no for an answer

“That sounds fine to me” Dr Smith agreed “Unless anyone else has anything they want to add I think that’s all for now?”

The other staff members shook their heads so the doctor continued “Alright then, thanks everyone, Enjoy your time out Spencer”. And with that the meeting was over.

 

Within the next half hour Hotch and Reid were seated at a nearby BBQ restaurant. Reid was bouncing his leg nervously as they waited to order, his eyes regularly scanning the room though he tried to hide it from Hotch.

“Are you ok Reid?” Hotch asked after a couple of minutes

Spencer’s eyes immediately snapped back to him “I’m fine”

“You seem a bit on edge” Hotch stated “If it’s too busy in here we can go somewhere else or go back to the hospital?”

Reid shook his head “No honestly it’s fine. It’s just a little bit weird doing something normal after so long in hospital. It almost feels wrong, like I shouldn’t really be here”

“I imagine that’s normal; it’s been a long time. But that’s why it’s good to get you doing stuff like this now, so when you’re ready to be discharged it’s not such a massive change” Hotch replied

Reid looked down nervously “Is it weird that a part of me doesn’t want to be discharged?”

Hotch frowned “What do you mean?”

“I’m scared” Spencer admitted quietly “I’m scared of going home and not being able to cope. Like you said; it’s been a long time, nearly two years of constant support and what if I can’t do it on my own? I was always terrified of the thought of being institutionalised and now I’m scared of not being, it’s all messed up”

“It’s normal to be scared but I promise you Spencer, you won’t be on your own. The rest of the team and I will be there the whole way to support you and the doctor’s won’t let you leave if you’re not ready. It won’t be easy but I know how strong you are, you’ve overcome so much and this is just another obstacle to get back to a normal life” Hotch responded comfortingly

“I don’t know if a normal life even exits for me anymore Hotch. My whole life was the BAU; ever since I got out of college I’ve been with the FBI and now that’s all gone. I’ll have no job, no friends, no life and I can’t expect you guys to all be watching over me all of the time”

“Reid I want you to really listen to me ok” Hotch said firmly “No matter if you work for the FBI or not, the BAU is and always will be your family and we’ll always be here no matter what. I know you’ve lost a lot; I know how hard it must’ve been for you to accept help and I know your future must seem daunting but you can’t do this to yourself.

The world is still open to you; mentally ill or not you’re still a brilliant young man who has so much to give if you’d just believe in yourself. Who knows, if you’re stable enough I don’t see a reason why you couldn’t rejoin the BAU but if that doesn’t happen it’s not the end for you, you could do anything you put your mind to. We all believe in you Spencer and we’re not going to give up on you so you need to not give up on yourself”

Spencer was silent for a few moments letting Hotch’s words sink in. “Thank you” He eventually replied “I’ll never be able to repay you all for all you’ve done for me”

“There’s nothing to repay Reid, that’s what family does”

Reid nodded “On that note is everything ok with JJ? I haven’t seen her since… since the bridge”

Hotch frowned “She’s seemed ok to me. She was a bit off right after but we all were. Maybe she’s been busy with Will and Henry, I’ll ask her tomorrow”

“It’s no big deal I just want to make sure she’s not mad at me or anything”

“I’m sure she’s not mad at you; you weren’t to blame for that day, your illness was. We all understand that”

“I just need to make sure she’s ok. I know none of this has been easy for you guys either”

Hotch gave him a reassuring smile “I’ll talk to her tomorrow, don’t worry. Just focus on getting better so we can get you home”

Reid agreed and the pair enjoyed their meal.

 

The following day Hotch approached JJ. “When it’s a good time can I have a word in my office?”

JJ internally frowned, wondering why she was being called into her bosses office but she hid her confusion with a nod and a smile “Sure, just let me finish giving out these files” She replied

Hotch nodded and made his way up to his office and within five minutes JJ followed. She knocked and apprehensively entered on his command.

“Is everything ok?” She asked

“Reid mentioned yesterday that you hadn’t been to see him since the suicide attempt. I just wanted to know if everything’s ok, he was worried”

JJ masked the drop in her stomach when Hotch mentioned the word suicide and put on her best neutral expression “Everything’s fine, I’ve just been really busy with Henry and everything and I guess I haven’t found the time to drop by recently”

Hotch nodded in understanding, remembering how demanding Jack had been as a baby “Well when you get a free moment I know he’d appreciate a visit, he thinks you’re mad at him”

JJ sighed “I’m not mad at him, like I said I’ve just been busy. I’ll try and pop in after work”

“Thank you, I’m sure he’ll be glad to see you” Hotch replied

“Yeah. Well if that’s all I’d better be getting back to work” JJ said. Hotch nodded and JJ left, trying not to regret what she’d signed up for.

 

The end of the work day came all too soon for JJ, who had tried to drag her work out all day so she could put off leaving. But finally she was finished and out of excuses so she left, a sense of dread filling her stomach.

She’d lied when she’d told Hotch that she wasn’t mad; she was. She was mad at Reid, mad at Ros, and more than anything else mad at herself. Logically she knew that it wasn’t really Spencer’s fault, it wasn’t anyone’s fault except for that neglectful nurse, but her emotions were overpowering her logic. Everything she’d buiried after Rosaline’s death came crashing back with the now added pain of one of her best friend’s attempting the same thing.

Before she knew it JJ had arrived at the hospital. She sat in her car for several minutes, contemplating whether being there was really the best idea but she couldn’t put it off forever, Hotch was already asking questions and she didn’t feel ready to reveal her past to the whole team yet. She knew that would inevitably happen if she didn’t see Reid soon and pretend that everything was ok so she took a deep breath and entered the building.

She was shown to Reid’s room where Spencer was sitting reading a book at what seemed to be his usual dizzying speed. He looked up as the nurse escorting JJ knocked on the door and he smiled when he saw her.

“Hey JJ” He said softly as the nurse left

JJ slowly entered the room and sat on a chair opposite Spencer, giving him an unconvincing smile “Hey Spence, I’m sorry I haven’t come in so long. Hotch told me you’re doing well”

“Yeah I guess so” Spencer nodded “The doctors are happy with how I’m progressing and I definitely feel a lot better than I have in a long time. Things can still be difficult, I’m always going to have days that are worse than others and I don’t think the hallucinations are ever going to really go away, but they’re teaching me how to deal with them now that I’m more present in reality.

But that’s enough about me, how are you Jayje?”

“I’m fine” JJ answered, too quickly to be convincing

Spencer raised his eyebrows “I don’t believe you. I don’t want to be so self absorbed to automatically assume that this is about me but I haven’t seen you since the bridge so logically it makes sense that it might be to do with whatever’s going on”

Seeing her friend and hearing the worry but also the understanding in his voice was enough to make JJ finally break down. As sobs made their way through her body Spencer crossed over the room to her, crouched down in front of her and took hold of her hands.

“I’m sorry” He whispered

JJ shook her head “No, I’m sorry” She responded and the pair stayed like that until JJ’s sobs finally tapered off and Reid’s legs became numb.  He collapsed on the floor beside her and JJ took a deep breath.

“I never told you about my sister Rosaline” She eventually said “She is… she was my big sister. When I was 11 she killed herself”

“JJ…”

“No please don’t Spence. I just… when I saw you on that bridge all the pain I felt back then came back, suffocating me. And then you let go and I thought I was going to have to go through all of that again. And I was so angry because you have so much to live for, and she had so much to live for, and I couldn’t understand why you’d throw that all away.

I know it wasn’t really your fault, or Ros’, but my emotions wouldn’t let me understand that. To this day I still feel a pain in my chest whenever I think about her and it’s not fair Spence! So I was selfish and I avoided you because you became a constant reminder of that pain.”

“I’m so, so sorry JJ” Spencer replied, tears shining in his deep brown eyes “I never meant to do that to you”

“I know” She sighed “I was just so scared Spencer. You’re my best friend and I thought I was going to lose you for good this time”

“Thank you for being honest with me. Everyone else seems too scared to tell me their real feelings as if I’ll break. But I promise you I never meant for any of that to happen, it’s like I wasn’t in control of myself.

I didn’t even realise that I was suicidal until I was standing on that bridge and it was like there was this weight crushing down on my chest. Everything inside me was screaming; I’ve never felt anything like it and I never want to feel anything like it again. It was like my brain attacked me and my body just followed. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt any of you”

“I know Spence, I know that you were really unwell and I’m sorry for letting my emotions cloud my judgement. I’m so sorry”

“So am I” Spencer whispered as she fell into his arms

They sat in silence, embracing on the floor for the next several minutes, allowing themselves to be raw and vulnerable in each other’s presence. Eventually JJ broke the silence “You know Will and I never chose a godfather for Henry. Obviously I gave birth while you were still missing but there was no one other than you I wanted to give that job too. There still isn’t. So will you be Henry’s godfather Spence?”

Spencer looked at her in pure shock. “JJ I… Surely after all of this you wouldn’t want to give that responsibility to me?”

“Of course I do, like I said there’s no one else I’d rather be his godfather. You’re the bravest, smartest, strongest man I know and there’s no one I can think of who’d be a better role model to my son. Mentally ill or not, I always want you to be a part of mine and Henry’s lives”

A couple of tears rolled down Spencer’s cheeks as he took in her words “I promise I will work hard to get out of here and be the best godfather I can”

“I know you will Spence, I know you will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I'm so sorry that it's been over two months since the last update! I was dealing with writer's block (or more like writer's laziness), doing loads of overtime at work, my laptop slowly dying and dealing with my own mental health a bit but never mind, I finally managed to finish this chapter! I can't thank you all enough for the reviews, follows and favorites, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!
> 
> Let me know what you think, I'd had the idea of Reid actually having schizoaffective disorder from about chapter 2 or 3 and I finally decided to write that in so I hope it doesn't feel rushed or forced, if you look back on previous chapters hopefully you'll be able to see that he fits the criteria for schizoaffective better which was intentional. So I hope you're all happy with this chapter!


	13. Chapter 13

Spencer intended on keeping his promise to JJ and worked harder than ever to get well. He continued working with the therapists on how to manage his hallucinations, delusions and mood in everyday life, he gradually started to open up about past traumas to his psychologist and he had several sessions with an occupational therapist out in the community, getting him used to being out in public again.

In these sessions he’d practice performing straightforward tasks like ordering a coffee, or using public transport, tasks that had caused him anxiety since his hospitalisation. It was difficult at first, after living in the bubble of hospital life for so long being out in the real world again was scary, but it wasn’t long until he started to adapt. Plus the team all pulled together to get him out of the hospital as much as possible on his allowed leave, going out to restaurants, coffee shops, the library, the park and anywhere else they could think of.

Spencer still had symptoms and he knew they’d never completely go away but his illness was becoming manageable which was more than he ever could’ve hoped for. When he first got ill he thought of his mental illness as a life sentence but now he could finally see that he could still have a life worth living.

The staff at the hospital were all happy with his progress and decided that he was ready to be discharged as a day patient. Spencer would still go to the hospital at 9am until 3pm to participate in therapy and treatment with the other patients but would be able to actually live away from the hospital. However his doctor strongly recommended that he stayed with someone for the first few weeks so he still had support away from the hospital if he needed it. Morgan was quick to volunteer when he heard and within a few days Morgan and Spencer were packing up his things and driving back to Morgan’s house.

“You didn’t have to do this Morgan; I already owe you all so much…” Spencer started

“Stop kid” Morgan interrupted “You don’t owe us anything. You’re family”

Reid nodded and looked down embarrassed. No matter what the team said he couldn’t help but feel like a burden on them all. He’d been self sufficient since he was ten and he was still finding it difficult to admit that he currently needed help. But he was beyond grateful for everything his team had done and were doing for him, Spencer knew that he just needed to swallow his pride and let them help.

The rest of the journey was spent in a comfortable silence and it wasn’t long until they arrived at Morgan’s. Morgan grabbed Spencer’s bag from the trunk, despite Spencer protesting that he was perfectly capable of carrying his own stuff, and the pair made their way into the house.

They were immediately greeted by Clooney who ran up to his owner and the guest with excitement, rapidly wagging his tail and pushing his head against Spencer, as if asking to be pet.

“Clooney, leave” Morgan instructed to which the dog ignored. “Sorry Reid, he gets a bit overexcited about guests”

“It’s alright” Reid replied, reaching down to stroke the dog “It looks like the Reid effect doesn’t apply to him either. The therapy dogs at the hospital didn’t bark at me once, though I guess they’re trained not too. They were actually surprisingly helpful”

“Clooney’s my rock after a bad day, no matter how low I feel he’s always happy to see me and somehow always manages to cheer me up. Have you ever had a pet kid?”

Reid shook his head “Animals and I have never really got along”

“Well maybe you should consider it when you get home” Morgan suggested

“Yeah, maybe” Spencer answered, not completely convinced

Once Clooney had gotten over his excitement and allowed the pair to move from the doorway Morgan showed Reid to the guest room and helped him unpack. When they were done Morgan ordered pizza and the pair sat in the living room watching a movie as they enjoyed their dinner.

It all felt very strange to Spencer, not having nurses watching over him 24/7. It’d been such a long time he’d gotten used to it, he felt almost uncomfortable with his new found freedom. But he pushed his anxiety to the side and tried to enjoy the evening with his friend.

Morgan could see that Reid felt a bit awkward, which was understandable. He could generally read Spencer quite well and he knew that this transition wouldn’t be easy for him; it’d be difficult for anyone. So he did his best to try and make it feel like a normal evening and hope that Reid would relax.

After half an hour or so the pair both started to relax and it started to feel like one of the evenings that they’d get together after a case to just hang out. And before long the pizza was gone, the movie was finished and Spencer was falling asleep on the couch.

“Hey kid” Morgan chuckled as his friend gazed sleepily back at him “You might be more comfortable in an actual bed”

“Sorry” Reid yawned “The meds make me sleepy, I’m usually fast asleep by ten these days. I’m going to head on up if that’s alright with you”

“Of course man, don’t force yourself up on my behalf, I won’t be long anyway”

Spencer nodded “Alright well I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then. And Morgan… thanks. Thanks for everything”

“Don’t mention it pretty boy” Morgan smiled as Reid turned and went upstairs to settle himself into the guest room.

Spencer changed into flannel pyjama bottoms and a plain t shirt, brushed his teeth and stumbled into bed. He wasn’t exaggerating when he said that the meds made him sleepy, he felt absolutely exhausted.

He settled down under the covers of the sheets, trying to find a comfy spot but he wasn’t restless for long as tiredness overtook him and he drifted off.

 

* * *

 

 

Spencer awoke with a start a few hours later, a sense of dread in the pit of his stomach. He rubbed at his eyes confused, he must’ve had a nightmare he concluded, though he couldn’t recall what he was dreaming about. It was strange; the meds he was on usually knocked him out all night but he guessed the change in environment must’ve messed with his internal routine a bit. As he was about to settle down and try to get some more sleep he was startled by a scratching at the bedroom door.

He stared at the door, frozen in horror for a few seconds. Chills ran up his spine as Spencer realised he must be hallucinating. As his heart rate escalated the scratching got more frantic.

“It’s just a hallucination Spencer, it can’t hurt you” He whispered to himself but the scratching wasn’t slowing and now it was accompanied with low wines and whimpers as if an animal was out there… Spencer let out a massive sigh of relief as he realised what the noise was. All fear gone Reid made his was over to open the bedroom door.

“Oh Clooney, you didn’t half scare me” Spencer chuckled as the dog stared back at him innocently “I thought you were supposed to sleep downstairs?”

Clooney cocked his head to the side and Spencer sighed “Alright, you can sleep in here but only so you don’t keep me up all night pawing at the door. And you’re staying on the floor ok”

The dog wagged his tail and followed Spencer in as he shook his head “I can’t believe I’m having a conversation with a dog”

Spencer got back into bed and Clooney stared at him with wide, pleading eyes for a few moments before deciding he didn’t need an invitation and jumped onto the bed beside the man.

 With a sigh Spencer ignored the cries of his germophobia and decided to let the dog stay put “Fine, tonight you can sleep on the bed, but just tonight!” He stated and scratched the dog’s ears as Clooney curled up beside him.

 

* * *

 

 

When Morgan awoke the next morning Reid wasn’t up. He realised that Reid was used to being woken up by a nurse, he probably hadn’t even thought about setting an alarm.

They’d decided that Morgan would take Reid in to the hospital on his way to work and pick him up on his way back, so he decided he’d better wake Reid up to give them both time to get ready.

He made his way across the hall and knocked on the door of the guest room. When Reid didn’t respond Morgan let himself in. The sight he saw almost made him laugh out loud; Spencer was curled up in the bed cuddling Clooney as the dog nestled beside him. Morgan quickly got his phone out and took a few pictures before Reid awoke. Once he was done he flung open the curtains.

“Wake up sleeping beauty”

Reid groaned, fisting at his eyes like a sleepy child “What time is it?”

“Time to get up kid” Morgan replied, tearing the sheets away as Spencer tried to hide under them

“Since when are you so perky in the morning” He moaned as he gave in and started to get up

“Since I got the pleasure of waking you up kid. Now go have a shower and I’ll meet you downstairs for breakfast”

 “Yes boss” Reid rolled his eyes and headed to the bathroom as Morgan walked away smirking.

 

* * *

 

 

Within half an hour both men were showered, dressed and downstairs for breakfast. After they had eaten and got ready Morgan drove Reid to the hospital before heading to work.

It felt weird to Reid, walking back into the hospital. It was almost as if he was giving up his new found freedom but he knew logically that wasn’t the case. Going in as a day patient was just one step closer to discharge.

Once he made his way into the room where the first activity of the day was held Spencer quickly fell back into the routine that he’d become so accustomed too. He sat with Daniel during the groups; Izzy had been recently discharged herself and Daniel was the last one of their group left as an inpatient.

The morning went smoothly and after lunch Spencer had a group therapy session before a one to one session with his psychologist. Even after all this time he still hated the sessions with the psychologist the most. It wasn’t anything against his psychologist, Nina was incredibly patient and kind with him, Spencer just still found it unnatural to talk about his feelings and his past. His whole life he’d hidden his thoughts and feelings, he was a very private person and opening up just made him feel exposed and vulnerable. But he knew it was part of getting better so he tried his best to work hard in the sessions.

“So Spencer” Nina started “How did you find your first night away from here?”

“It was fine. I felt a bit anxious at first but I got over it pretty quickly” Spencer replied

“That’s good! Did you have any worrying symptoms, any hallucinations or mood disturbances?”

“Just the normal sort of background hallucinations that are easy enough to ignore. I think I had a nightmare, though I don’t remember what it was about. When I woke up I thought I was hallucinating, there was this scratching at the door, but it just turned out to be my friend’s dog” He explained

“Okay, well it’s pretty normal to experience some anxiety and sleep disturbance at first but in all it sounds like you coped pretty well” Nina smiled “I think we’ll go through some coping techniques to help with the anxiety in today’s session if that’s okay with you?”

Spencer agreed and the pair worked on breathing exercises and mindfulness until the session was over. After that Spencer was free to go but Morgan still had an hour or two left at work. They’d decided it was too soon for Reid to get public transport home, so Spencer stayed and played a few chess games with Daniel before Morgan arrived to pick him up.

The men had another quiet evening with dinner and a movie before making their ways up to bed. Morgan made sure to shut Clooney in downstairs so he wouldn’t bother Spencer again and it didn’t take Spencer long to fall into deep sleep.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry it's been so long! I've had such bad writer's block; I knew what I wanted to write but I just couldn't seem to do it. So this chapter's a bit shorter and probably not the best but I so desperately wanted to get something up. Thank you so much to everyone who's commented and left kudos, I'll try my best to get the next chapter done a bit quicker!

**Author's Note:**

> Decided to write out an idea that wouldn't leave my head last night. I know it's not the best written; it's pretty rushed but I was pretty manic last night so that's probably why oops. I thought I'd post it to see if anyone wants me to continue, I've written chapter 2 and started on 3 so it'd be good to know if anyone's interested in reading this or wether I should just keep it to myself. Please comment and let me know what you think! Thanks


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